The one where I cry my way out of a copay.

So, I recently gave the dentist all of my money and now I'm suffering for it.

Ever since that evil bastard put my nice purdy permanent bridge thingy on, I've been unable to eat watermelon. Or ice cream. Or enjoy a cold beer. Or a glass of refreshing cold water.

You get the idea. I'm super sensitive to all things cold. Well, really...all things. Eating anything causes some pain. The cold stuff just causes the really bad pain where I'm sobbing as I try desperately to finish eating that one little piece of watermelon that is just so perfectly sweet.

Damn that dentist bastard!

The other kind of pain is not sob inducing. But, it does linger on and on with a constant throb and ache that just makes me really grumpy and mean to everyone. It also causes the occasional sob session. One can take only so much throbbing.

Giggity.

But not really, because...ouch.

So, I returned to the Bastard Dentist to find out what the hell is going on. The receptionist felt sorry for me and told me to come in at 3. Being the prompt little patient that I am, I was there at 2:50.

I'm such a suck up.

By 3:45, I was still in the waiting room. Being a suck up really doesn't pay off.
After reading all of the current news from 2001, I decided to spend my time focusing on my surroundings.

Here are some of the lovely things that went through my mind as I did that...

That's a cute purse. It would be cuter if you would stop fidgeting because you've been waiting for 7 minutes. I've been waiting for an hour. Fidget on that, you stupid fidget faced fidgeter.

God, this carpet is ugly.

Wow. Really? Nothing says manly like kelly green flip flops. I have to see the whole ensemble. (turning my gaze upward) Holy sh*t! It's a freakin pink shirt with kelly green stripes. HA! Omg. If MB ever...well, he would just never.

Also, Pink Boy, if your wife complains of being hot one more time, I'm throwing this fake tree at her. You know, if she took off 3 of her 7 layers of makeup, maybe she wouldn't be so hot.

Hey! The blue bruise on my toenail matches the blue in my flip flops! I wonder how awkward it would be if I took a picture of my toe right now?
That reminds me...never try to pick up an 80 pound bag of concrete mix ever again.

Heehee. That guy has a planner. I love his nerdy, nerdy ways. I want to pull out my planner so we can be planner buddies. Nerds unite!
I don't think he would know the secret handshake though.

Oh sh*t! Pink Boy and his Layer Faced Wife live in my neighborhood. Dammit. I wonder if I've ever flipped them off. No more eye contact with them. Just in case.

I've been here forever. Hey Bitcho Receptionist who told me to be here at 3: knock off $20 for every 5 minutes you make me sit here and I won't make a scene.

Hygienist lady (not a bitcho) pops her face into the waiting room. "GB Girl? You can come back now."

Oh thank the sweet lord of all things impatient!

Layer Faced Wife: "GB Girl? That's my name too! How unusual!"

Me: "Oh yeah. That hardly ever happens!"

Sh*t. Now we have to be friends.

Once I got back to the chair of doom, I told the Bastard Dentist and Non-Bitcho Hygienist that I'm in severe pain, especially when anything cold hits my purdy new teeth.

So, what does the Bastard Dentist do?

He proceeds to use something that feels like a tiny sander to 'adjust my bite' as he sprays cold, cold, cold water directly onto my purdy new teeth.

Perfect.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as he continues to sand down my purdy new teeth and spray cold water right on my sensitive bite bitz.

Oh, I wish I could describe the agony to you, but I'm just not that talented. I can tell you that I wanted to rip that sander out of the Bastard Dentist's hand and sand his freakin eyes out!

But, as I am not blogging this from prison, I can assure you that I did not do that. I simply tried to maintain my composure as I escorted myself to the Bitcho Receptionist's desk to give them more of my money.

I was sobbing by the time I got there. So much so that Bitcho Receptionist commented that it looked like my tooth hurt even more now.

No sh*t!

You are perhaps the most perceptive person I have ever met!
At least she waived my copay. I mean, not forcing me to pay $10 for the pleasure of being tortured is the absolute least you could do. So...thanks?

Non-Bitcho Hygienist came out to check on me. Apparently I was causing a scene. I'm surprised they didn't call the Mobile Crisis Team (where I work) to come and do and intervention on me.

Non-Bitcho Hygienist told me to get a mouth guard because the Bastard Dentist thinks my pain is caused by grinding my teeth at night. I'm not convinced, but I'll try anything at this point. Hell, I'm three sob sessions away from taking a hammer to my purdy new teeth.

A mouth guard sounds lovely.

I'll let you know how that works out for me. MB may find it very attractive. He likes football.

So, do you have any dentist and/or mouth guard horror stories to share?
Do tell...