When you stab someone with a toothbrush, is it bristle side first?

So, I basically let some of the most incompetent people in the world drill into my head today. But, it's cool because I survived. More importantly, they survived.

It all started when I went to the dentist yesterday for my annual cleaning, which was 2 years overdue, but whatever.

I haven't been to the dentist in awhile because the last time I went, they told me I had to have $3000 worth of dental work done. Considering that I am both broke and cheap, I wasn't able to have the work done.

$3000! That's some serious dough!

Anywho, since I'm getting hitched in 109 days, I figured I'd better put a little dough into my smile. Not the kind of dough I've already been putting into it either - chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin - because that wasn't really getting me camera ready.

So, I got scraped and flossed and glossed and all that jazz. The dentist comes in and says hi so I try to ask him what exactly he needs to do to fix my purdy smile. You know, because it's been 2 years and I've completely blocked out what that $3000 was supposed to be for.

I'd like to tell you that he just answered my questions and made me feel all confident in his abilities and whatnot. But, no. He cracked a couple lame jokes, evaded all of my questions and basically left me quivering in the corner, clutching my pretty new green toothbrush and crying for my mommy.

Really? This humorless dickhead is going to be drilling into my head? I don't think so. I can avoid my photographer for 5 hours. No problem.

Ugh.

The hygienist lady sends me out front where I'm introduced to the receptionist, who will henceforth be known as The Bitch Who Deserves a Toothbrush to the Eye (TBWDTE for short).

TBWDTE proceeds to ask me what I'm having done when I try to schedule my super expensive dental work.

Uh...yeah. I don't really know. I just know that your dentist can't tell jokes.

TBWDTE says...'well, let me see what you're talking about'.

Umm. Okay. Sure, I have no problem prying open my mouth for the entire office, waiting room and the impatient patient behind me also waiting to check out to see.

TBDWTE says what she thinks it is and I agree, because that sounds like what he said at one point. She quotes me a price of $685 and proceeds to tell me that I need to pay half of that just to schedule the appointment. Then, I have to pay all of it at the appointment, which can be tomorrow at 10:30.

Um. Er. Uh. $685? Um. Er. Yeah. I'm gonna have to call you tomorrow on that one. You know, because I don't have $700 to pull out of my ass right now and this patient behind me breathes any louder, I'm going to... Yeah. I'll just call in the morning. Thanks. Bye.

I end up scheduling the appointment after I do some maneuvering with the fundage. I also planned ahead and put a little extra in so I could pay half for my next big appointment because, oh yeah there's a lot of work to be done. A LOT!

So, when I go back today, the hygienist lady straps me in and says "So, what are you here for today?"

Are you freakin serious?! Um...yeah. I don't really know what he's doing, but I know I'm doing the left side today.

Hygienist lady seems confused and brings in the doc who says "Oh. You're back. Did you have questions about your appointment yesterday?"

Wtf? Did they bring back Candid Camera and am I in the pilot?Um...no. I'm here to have the left side done.

"Oh great. Let's get you numbed up."

Fantastic.

As I'm reading my National Geographic from 1997 and trying not to slobber all over myself as my lip gets number and number, TBWDTE comes in.

"Hi there. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't having a partial done. You're having a bridge done. That's going to be $1430. Mmmkay?"

Freakin Flosstastic! Are you sh*ttin me?!
That's way higher than what you told me yesterday.

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that."

Holy f*ck! Don't cry in front of TBWDTE. Don't cry in front of TBWDTE.
Umm. I guess I have no choice. You know, because I no longer have control of the left side of my face, you freakin psycho! Way to ask me that question after it's way too late! Dammit!

Back to important nature topics from 1997...in walks someone I assume is the boss of TBWDTE.

"Hi there. I understand there's been some confusion...

Stop right there. Are you going to ask me for more money? As I'm readying to throw the bib down and walk out.

After we got that little money thing worked out, the worst 3 1/2 hours of my life commenced. By 'worked out', I mean that they totally had me in a prone position with a half numb face and their greedy gloved hands into my very empty pockets, leaving me no choice but to submit.

Thanks dickheads. Get me some damn free floss. The good kind.

I'm a trooper though. I put on my Zune to drown out the homicidal thoughts raging through my brain. Also to drown out the drill, but that wasn't as loud as the murderous rage.

Hey. Wanna know the best part?!! Guess who's training to be a hygienist and got to practice on my face?

Yep. The Bitch Who Deserves a Toothbrush to the Eye!

Awesome!

Turns out? She's a weirdo and a total bitch!

She kept making comments like...
"What a great patient you are. So pretty too."
"Don't be mean to her, she's my girlfriend."
"Here. Have some vaseline for your lips. I knew you would like that."

Ick.

Way to take advantage of those who can't fight back.

When it was all over, I was ready to get the hell out of there. I go to leave and TBWDTE says "Thanks for being so awesome."

Yeah. Thanks for being so awkward. Now I want to stab you even more. You take care now. Thanks for the vaseline.

Now, I'm lounging at home. My lip has regained it's feeling and my mouth hurts like hell. But, at least I have a temporary aluminum crown for the next 4 weeks.

That's right. I gots me a mouthful of silver to flash around. I totally want to bedazzle it.

Also, I get to relive this whole experience, wallet raping included, in 4 weeks.

That damn photographer is getting so many close ups of my smile, he's going to want to stab me with...what do they use that's comparable to a toothbrush?