Friday, July 2, 2010
Friday Flip Offs: These could of been better.
It's that time again. Time to give a nice hardy Flip Off to all those little annoyances that drove you to cupcakes this week. Go here to visit Gigi, the brains behind this operation, and check out all the other rants.
The Siberian Princess has no Flip Offs this week. She got to go hiking, had tasty Frosty Paws and essentially got spoiled all week. She really should have no complaints.
So, on to my Flip Offs.
To the neighbor kids who like to feed the fish and proceed to stalk me in order to ask if they can feed the fish - FLIP OFF!
Seriously. I barely pull in the driveway and you're there. I can't even go out my back door without hearing the dreaded "Hi. Can I feed the fish?"
Give me a break.
I'm in my pajamas with no bra, unbrushed teeth and rat's nest hair. Hell, I'm not even awake. I'm only upright because the pup has to pee and she lacks the ability to let herself out.
Sheesh. The freakin fish can wait. Lay off already.
To the grocery store cashier who ripped my coupon as it was printing out with my receipt rendering it completely useless - FLIP OFF!
You owe me 40 cents the next time I buy cat food, which is never because I don't have a cat.
That's not the point, though.
Just give me my 40 cents and we'll call it a day.
Speaking of cats, to the cat hoarding neighbor across the street who thinks I just fell off the turnip truck - FLIP OFF!
I'm not an idiot, lady. You can claim to be finding homes for your cats until you are blue in the very weirdly made up face (freaky trailer park mascara), but I'm not buying it.
The only reason you are talking to me is because you just saw me almost run over two of your cats who were in my driveway and then possibly kick one of them also.
You can also claim that they are strays you just happened to feed all you want. I'm not buying that either.
There may have been a stray at one point. Thirteen cats later, not so much. You breed 'em, you bought 'em.
Also, it's midnight. Why the hell are you weeding your yard at midnight? And who is that guy doing push ups in the driveway? Oh right, it's your creepy husband.
Go here if you don't get the creepy husband push up reference. I'll wait.
All caught up? Gross, right?! I KNOW!
On an unrelated note...anyone want a cat? They are cute, adept at catching fish and able to survive by eating trash.
To the grammatically challenged everywhere who think it's okay to replace 'have' with 'of' as in 'should of', 'could of', 'would of' - FLIP OFF!
Also, DOUBLE FLIP OFF for making me question whether it was actually 'of' instead of 'have'. I even googled it because of my doubt. I've seen this error everywhere lately and it started to make me wonder.
I never should of, I mean should have (dammit) questioned myself.
To the homicidal patient who may not have been truly homicidal but just homeless with nowhere to go and who proceeded to scream at me for 20 minutes in the tiny, tiny exam room until I became homicidal myself - FLIP OFF!
Could you say "I'll kill the bitch" one more time? I don't quite get what you're going for. Also, could you repeat that part about putting the bitch's kids in a trunk? I'm trying to quote you accurately on the committment. Also, could you elaborate on what kind of trunk and exactly how you intend to get her kids in said trunk.
Just seems a little complicated.
To TOM who has decided to visit for 11 days and counting, making my life miserable and gross for longer than necessary - FLIP OFF!
Seriously. I'm fed up.
I'm actually looking forward to being violated by metal objects at the hands of the very abrupt Indian woman who is my obgyn. Maybe she'll actually figure out why I'm TOMing for so long without any of the TOM symptoms, other than the flow.
I'm not asking for cramps and bloating. I just might feel better knowing they were there and this really was all normal TOM stuff.
Anypossiblymenopausalandthereforenolongerawoman, I think that's it for my Flip Offs this week.
Tune in tomorrow when I explain all the crazy behind this little picture: