Friday, April 16, 2010

Push ups of evil intent.

War is on with the neighbors once again.
I have spoken about my neighbor issues here and here and...well, just click on the 'my neighbors are assholes' label and you'll get the picture.

I have an ongoing beef with one particular neighbor.

The cat hoarder.

That's one of his evil felines on the hood of my freshly waxed Jeep, positioning to attack.

The cat hoarder is also known as the push up guy.

Why, you ask?

Well, one day as I was innocently doing dishes at my kitchen window, I happened to glance into the front yard. I was very shocked to find my nasty, greasy neighbor in my driveway, doing push ups.
Yes, push ups in my driveway.

Weird, huh?

It gets weirder.

He was doing push ups at me. Yes, at me. I didn't even know that was possible until I saw it with my very own frightened little eyes.

He was facing me and staring directly at me. His psychotic little grin intensified with each push up. Then he just got up and went back to playing football in the street with his wife and kid.

Then he made out with his wife in the middle of the street.

He's a winner.

After locking all the doors and windows and texting the bizarre incident to MB, I decided to begin my official shunning of this particular weirdo neighbor.

I had been unofficially shunning him for awhile, but now it was official.


No unshunning in sight.

So, the hatred has continued with no resolution. I glare at him whenever I see him and he pretends not to notice. We don't associate with each other, except through the gossip our nice neighbor so kindly provides us with.

The only time we've ever spoken to him is when MB went over there to tell him to keep his effing cats out of our effing yard.

That was super hot but completely ineffective.

The cats have continued to be a terror. The little black one pictured above has been seen sticking his paw right in the fish pond, trying to catch a tasty bite.

Today, we discovered that he caught one. We found the evidence this morning in our driveway.

The first fatality of my feud with the neighbors.

I have now declared war.

I am not sure which of their children will be the first sacrificed. I think it may have to be the kid whose face is imprinted in my wire fence (see the link above). I may just decide to go right to the top and take out Mr. Push Up himself though. Why play around.

Of course, I have no intention of taking out the cats. They are innocent victims as far as I'm concerned. If the greasy weirdo would just take care of the 14 cats he has decided to take into his home, they wouldn't have to be scavengers in my pond.

MB wants to shoot them but I'm not having it. If Animal Control won't step up, I'm just going to box them up and take them to the SPCA. Of course, I'd have nightmares that they were being put down due to overcrowding.

Most likely what will happen is that I will put a net over the pond and continue to throw rocks at the cats (aiming poorly, of course) until they run away.
As much as I hate what they are doing, I can not hate them. The animal lover in my just won't allow it. I want to befriend them and feed them and hold them and love them. But, I can't. Not 14 of them. If it was just 1, then maybe. Not 14.
So, I will have to continue taking my anger out on the greasy cat hoarding push up guy until I am satisfied.
Do you think putting a dead fish in his mailbox is over the top?
Doesn't matter. Too late now.


  1. OMG, I would so put a dead rotton fish in his mailbox, and atttach a note to it warning him of the actions you may take if he doesn't start taking car of his poor innocent cats.

    effing bastard.

  2. I love the color of your jeep!

    Bastard would be swimming with the fishes if I lived beside him. What a weirdo!!!

  3. Wow, sounds like you have a very scary neighbor there. I, too, have a weird neighbor. One day his wife came to my door telling me to call 911. He had sprayed her eyes with pepper spray, and wouldn't let her in the house. I called the cops and they had to wrestle him to the ground in front of my house. He was yelling, saying he was going to was going to get her. Well, she's gone, but he still lives there. I try my best to steer clear of him. So be careful, there are a lot of nuts out there!

  4. When you called your neighbor "Push Up Guy" it reminded me of a man I once saw driving on Rt 95 near Wilmington. I passed him and he was wearing a grey sweater. Two minutes he passed me and was wearing a grey sweater and black push up bra.


    A push up bra.

    Over his sweater. Did I mention that?

    Anyblacklacebra, he then got in front of me and slowed down to 20 miles an hour forcing me to pass him again - just to look at his pretty bra. Once I got in front of him he blew by me again wearing the bra. This went on for a few miles until I finally exited to get away from him.

    I thouht for a brief minute reading your blog that I had found him again in your neighborhood. But, no.


    I'd love to know where he buys his intimates.

  5. Teresa, that guy sounds just plain scary. Be careful.
    Susan, you crack me up! If this guy starts wearing ladies underwear while he's doing push ups, I'm moving.
    I haven't put a dead fish in his mailbox yet, but I'm close. Glad to know you guys are on my side!
    Btw, I have been reminded by MB that it is officially his jeep and he is the one who spent all day waxing it. He really needs to stop reading the blog.


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