Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The Epic Commute.

     You start out on your commute and things are fine.  The guy on your right tries to cut you off, but you stand firm.  The lady behind you seems to want to be in your back seat so you slow down a little.       The usual.
      Then, you glance over to your left and you see it.  That little spot on the windshield.  A freakin spider.  Right next to your face.  You take a few deep breaths.  You tell yourself  that it's probably on the outside.
      It's on the inside.  Panic mode begins to set in.  Your knuckles become white as they are glued to the steering wheel.  You are trying to keep your face from contorting into the 'holy shit, there's a spider on my face' mode because that guy on the right is starting to give you the side eye.
     You take more deep breaths and try not to hyperventilate.  The only paper bag you have in the car contains your Dunkin Donuts trash from 3 days ago.
     You tell yourself that as long as it doesn't move, you'll be fine.  
     IT MOVES!!!
     Holy shit!  FULL ON PANIC MODE!!!  Why is this happening to me??!!?!??! Is THIS really how I'm meant to die?!?!?!? A brown recluse (because you've identified it as such as this point) to the face on I95?!?!?!  I'M NOT READY!!!  
     You're pretty much operating the vehicle from the passenger seat at this point.  You've given up on appearances.  Screw that guy to the right.  Unless he can reach over and smash the spider for you, he's useless to you.
     When screaming at the guy on the right proves ineffective, you realize that all sanity has left the situation.
     You gather your self as you see that your exit is just up ahead. Deep breaths that taste of stale bagel and rotten cream cheese are surprisingly calming to you.  You manage to maneuver the vehicle while still keeping a vigilant eye on the spider, who seems to be mocking you at this point.
     Somehow, you manage to pull safely into the parking lot of your office, trying to maintain your composure.  The last thing you need is to be written up for your erratic behavior as your boss sees you driving from the passenger seat, muttering obscenities and threats at the window.
     You stop the vehicle and then it happens.  The thing you had been dreading.
     The spider moves.
     You stop breathing as it struts from the window down to the door panel and over to the dashboard.  It settles on the steering wheel, staring at you with a smug expression of victory on it's evil little face.
     That's when you reach down, grab your shoe and SMASH THAT EXPRESSION OFF OF IT'S DESPICABLE LITTLE FACE!
     As you keep smashing, shouting about how you will be coming for the spawn next, you realize you are just a crazy lady who keeps angrily honking the horn with her shoe.  You see your boss exit the building as you casually put your shoe back on and smile.
     Wave to the nice man who signs your pay checks.  That's right.  Everything is normal.  Nothing to see here.  Beautiful weather we're having.  Ugh to Mondays too.  They are the worst, right?
     You exit the vehicle, take a deep breath and begin your day.  No one has to know of the battle you just waged and won, but they'll all sense it in you.
     You have defeated evil.  They'll know. They may not know what they know, but they'll know. You won't be taking any shit today.

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