Tuesday, August 30, 2011
The gaping hole in my heart.
As you may or may not have already read, my Skye girl is gone. We had to let her go yesterday and it was absolutely heartbreaking.
She started to have some trouble on Thursday night.
Things got better on Friday. Saturday morning was good. I cleaned the house and got ready for Hurricane Irene and she was my shadow all day. Her little face was right beside me all day as I dusted and mopped and filled water bottles.
I was spoiling the hell out of her all day because of how she had been on Thursday night. I was giving her hugs and kisses every chance I could. The funny thing? She was letting me.
I took full advantage of it too. Looking back, I'm glad I did. That was really the last time I had with my Skye girl. My real Skye girl.
She started to get sick Saturday night. She vomited a few times and just didn't feel good. All pretty normal, considering she had an infection. The plan was to get the antibiotics on Monday morning and get her back to normal.
That never happened. She started to deteriorate Sunday evening and she just never recovered. We were up all night with her on Sunday. She needed constant monitoring because she kept getting herself stuck in corners.
It was like she physically had to keep moving. She couldn't stop. She paced the house all night. She only slept when she happened to fall from sheer exhaustion and her body just let her sleep. That was only a few times and they were very brief.
I spent the night trying to comfort her and get her to relax. I let her pace and got up each and every time she got stuck and turned her around, as I gently kissed her head. I held the water bowl for her when she was thirsty. My heart broke with each and every minute.
We tried the antibiotics, hoping and praying that we would see some sign of progress. Something that would tell us it was all related to the uti.
But, there was nothing. We called the vet and they said it was most likely something in her brain, possibly a tumor. There may not be any hope for her.
When I took her outside to the yard, I knew in my heart that it was over. She just wasn't there anymore. Her face wasn't the same little face. Her eyes had nothing left.
She just continued to go from there. In the end, she couldn't stand up. Her Daddy carried her out to the yard where she would be more comfortable. When I saw her lying in the grass, I said "It's time" and we both broke down.
We both knew this was it. This was the end for our little girl.
Crying the entire time, we carried her to the vet and stayed with her until she was at peace. We caressed her and told her we loved her right up until the end.
We are both heartbroken. This house is filled with her absence and it is killing us. We just miss our little girl so much.
It feels empty without her. Quiet.
I am reminded of her in everything I do. When I open the front door, I miss her little face at the top of the stairs. I miss the little kiss she would give me as I greeted her.
I miss her little face next to me in the kitchen, waiting for a crumb. I miss her anticipation when I ate toast with peanut butter, knowing there was a lump for her on the plate.
I miss the sound of her at the bathroom door as she waited for me to come out, sometimes nuzzling her way in. I miss her face looking up at me in the morning when I left for work. I miss bending down to give her a little kiss and say 'good morning'.
I miss her excited antics when I would put on my sneakers, knowing she was going for a walk. I miss having her beside me in the sunshine, sniffing the grass and taking in the fresh air.
I miss...well, just everything.
This has been a brutal couple of days and it's going to be bad for awhile. But, I know that my little girl is at peace now. She is no longer suffering and that gives my heart some relief.
It will be a long time before I come into this house without tears. It will be a long time before I get rid of her bed or her toys or that blanket that smells like her.
We took her into our lives and gave her a home. In return, she made us a family.
We will always miss her and we will always love her.