Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Why can't I just buy my $3 wind chimes without incident?

So, I'm in the Dollar Tree yesterday and once again, 'crazy' finds me.

I had been to Lowes and my Jeep was full of opened bags of mulch (they're half price, you know), bird feeders and flowers. Yard beautification was clearly my goal for the day.

Of course, I am on a budget and I still needed some of those hook thingys to hang my bird feeders on. So, I headed to the Dollar Tree. They are super cheap there. Not a dollar, which I think is illegal on some level. Definitely immoral.

Whatever. They were way cheaper than they were at Lowes.

So, I got my hook thingys along with a cute little hanging basket (that was a dollar) and a cool set of bamboo wind chimes (for 3!). I'm sure the wind chimes are going to annoy the hell out of MB, but I like them.

Anyway, I'm at the checkout behind some lady who's buying a crapload of stuff and another lady who's buying 2 packs of Slim Jims.

Maybe she didn't know this was a Dollar Tree and not the mini mart on the corner. I didn't see any junkies hanging out front, peddling their wares. Huh.

So, out of nowhere, I get this whiff of booze.

When did they start selling booze at the Dollar Tree?! I'm all a-tingle for like five seconds. Even though it probably won't be a dollar. Lying bastards.

Then, the source of the whiff makes itself known.

Holy cow! It's a junkie! Maybe I am in the mini mart.

I glance over at the religious/animal/leftover Easter chotchkes just to reorient myself.

The whiff source approaches me and with the scent of alcohol wafting from his every pore, asks if he can cut in front of me and the Slim Jim Lady.

My first instinct is to say 'hell no', because I have yard beautification to attend to and can not be bothered by junkies who want to trample all over that.

However, I deferred to the Slim Jim Lady, since she was in front of me and all. Plus, I was kinda hoping she would have a better filter than I do.

So, Whiff Source is holding this delicate little purple box with flowers on it. I think he should have been holding his pants up so I didn't have to see his underwear, but that's a whole different issue.

Before Slim Jim Lady could even answer his request to cut in line, Whiff Source launches into his sob story. Which, in case you were wondering, we didn't ask for.

Apparently, if he didn't get this delicate little Dollar Tree box (which cost $2.50, I think) to the florist in the next 5 minutes, he was going to lose his girl. Then, he proceeded to tell us how he hoped he would have time to write a note to his girl because he didn't know how else he was going to get her back.

Oh. I don't know. Lay off the booze.

It's freakin 2:30 in the afternoon and you're drunk. It's not the fun kind of early happy hour, karaoke with cute boys and margaritas with cupcakes because it's an Early Happy Hour, Yay! kind of drunk.

This was more of an oh sh*t, I sold all of my girl's Vicodin and then got super drunk while snorting all of her bath salts (it's a real thing - google it) and now she's pissed off, in pain and stinky and she found that other girl's panties in my mouth when I passed out in the front lawn while I was supposed to be taking our love child to preschool and now I need to make a gesture of apology without having to accept any responsibility for my behavior or making any effort to get sober and grow the eff up and the Dollar Tree was the best option within walking distance because I also got my license suspended but my girl doesn't know that yet kind of drunk.

No happy margaritas here.

Of course, Slim Jim lady let him cut in front of us. I think she could sense the level of dysfunction from Whiff Source. The kind of dysfunction that can make someone go from 'excuse me, may I cut in front of you' to 'get the eff out of my way bitch before I cut you over this magical $2.50 relationship saving box' in seconds flat.

Slim Jim Lady and I shared an eye roll and continued on with our days.

I was very tempted to follow Whiff Source, just to see how this little drama all played out. However, I have a feeling that I already know. It's a drama I've seen end in the crisis unit way too many times.

If Whiff Source shows up in my unit this week, I'm going to suggest he run straight to the Dollar Tree and get some Slim Jims. Delicate boxes are nothing compared to sticks of meat.

Obviously, this guy knows nothing about relationships.

So, ladies...which would win you over? Slim Jims or chotchkes?


  1. Hey, our dollar store does that too! If its a freakin dollar store, everything should be A DOLLAR. AND - there's always some drunk in ours too.

  2. you're so shallow

  3. I like Whiff dude found your post.... ^^^ points to anonymous up there.


    This sounds like my every day. I'm so thrilled to discover I am not alone in not only my experiences but also my thoughts. You, my dear, are fanfreaktintastic!


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