Thursday, March 3, 2011

I don't think George Clooney likes fat chicks.

So, I was thinking about throwing my panties at a celebrity today.

It's not that I encountered a celebrity or anything. Quite the opposite actually. My evening in the crisis unit was filled with very unglamorous and often odorous people.

No celebrities at all.

But, my coworker was telling me that his wife was going to a concert tonight and had mentioned throwing her panties on stage.

It is Jon Bon Jovi after all. I would consider him panties worthy, I guess. If I was a big Jon Bon Jovi fan.

That's what got me thinking about my own panties. I was thinking about what celebrity I would consider worthy of having my panties thrown into their face.

Or in their general direction since I don't have very good aim.

Then, I started thinking about the fact that I don't really wear panties right now.

Simmer down, fellas. It's not what you think.

I don't wear panties right now because my fat ass only feels truly comfortable in spandex granny panties right now.

I'm sure as hell not throwing them at anyone.

Then, I started thinking about the fact that if I were expecting a celebrity encounter, I would most likely be wearing my spanx.

I don't know if you are familiar with spanx. They are amazing! However, they are really more of a contraption than a piece of sexy lingerie. There is spandex, underwiring, shaping, crotch snaps, boob cut outs.

It's a device, really. A device designed to transform your fatness into a sleek, sexy physique at least until you get home, exhale and unleash the flab.

When I put my spanx on, it becomes a process. Everything has to be squeezed in there just right. All the underwiring has to line up just right. My nipples have to be pointing in the same direction...well, that's every day.

They aren't easy to get in or out of. Definitely not 'easy access' clothing, if you know what I mean. ;)

So, when I imagine myself hanging out at some posh Hollywood party where George Clooney just happens to make eye contact with me, I have trouble picturing my spanx being thrown at him in a suggestive manner.

I don't think there's any way to slip out of them gracefully and then toss them lovingly into his lap.

They aren't exactly dainty.

I can just picture this giant spandex wiry device landing directly on his chest, knocking the wind out of him. Then, he picks them up to examine them and says, "Holy sh*t! Where did this come from? Is this underwear? What the f*ck spilled out of these and is it oozing this way?!! Everybody run for safety!!! If it's anything like The Blob, it won't like the cold!! RUN!!"

Not exactly the first impression I want to make on my future sugar daddy.

I'm going to have to start keeping a pair of dainty panties in my purse.
Just in case.

So, what celebrity do you consider panties worthy?
Do tell...


  1. Oh girl, you have me crying! I have a list actually. BDC says my list is worse than his ever changing list b/c he just fantasizes about sex and I (well women in general) are building our houses in the Hamptons. no particular order...Joshua Jackson, The Rock, Nathan Fillion, Taylor Lautner. I'd probably squeeze Zac Effron in there and a few celebrity chefs. Ok...that's it. I've embarrassed you enough now.

  2. Gerard Butler... ooh mama.
    I wouldn't just throw my panties at him, I would wrangle him, wrap him up, and drag him home in them. Hah!
    He can later use them as an escape device to parachute off the roof, but he won't figure that out until I've had my way with him.

  3. I have no idea because I'm too busy delighting in the fact that I'm not alone in nipple alignment (thank Ceiling Cat!). ;)


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