Monday, February 28, 2011

Beware: Craptastic Crappiness

Beware: Children at Play.

Worst. movie. ever.

It's an independent film on netflix. Usually when I think of an independent film, I think of something edgy and smart and maybe a little quirky.

This? This was just crap.

It looks like it was made by some guy in the midwest who just decided at a pta meeting that he wanted to make a horror movie.

Then, he invited the whole town to take part and a movie was born.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to low budget film making. And I'm not opposed to crappy horror. I've seen more than my share of crappy horror, as you all may know.

However, I think there should be some standards. The film should be watchable. That's step one.

Step two is to have a decent plot. The plot of this movie is that children are disappearing and the sheriff has no leads. He calls in his friend who is an author with an extensive knowledge of the occult, science fiction, ghost hunting and other such blasphemous things that hurt and repulse the townsfolk. His expertise is called upon because all else has failed.

The children of the town have all taken to the woods (and become woodies - I'm not making that up) where they become cannibals. They kill the townsfolk and eat them while chanting: gulp her blood, gobble her flesh, etc.

The author and his wife brainstorm one night and come to the conclusion that the local English teacher is responsible because he teaches Anglosaxon poetry and the alliteration of the chant is from Anglosaxon poetry, namely Beowulf. They determine that the children are emulating Grendel and that anyone using alliteration should be considered very dangerous.

At this point, I stopped watching the movie.

Usually, I can suffer through it, but this was too much for me.

I read some reviews that applaud the violence of this movie as groundbreaking. I don't see it. Yeah. Cutting someone open with a scythe is pretty violent. Yeah. Kids munching on dead bodies is pretty violent. I get all that.

However, it must be believable. I don't believe the ketchupy craptasticness of any of the violent scenes.

They are all laughable, and not in a good way.

I can't get past the bad acting, bad wardrobe, bad dialogue, cut and paste filming and nonexistent story line to even consider this a campy, funny horror flick.

When the actors are looking at each other for cues as to their next line or next movement, I'm out.

So, don't watch this movie. It's terrible.
I wasted a good chunk of my lazy Sunday finding that out for you.
You're welcome.

Have you seen anything really bad lately?
Do tell...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...