So, I did Day 13 of the Couch to 5K today.
It was a solo day for me because MB is away right now.
(Serial killers: I do have a stash of assault rifles in every room with just enough rage to blow your face off and not think twice about it.)
MB and I have been doing this together and he is my motivator. He encourages me to push myself and keeps me going when my inner fat girl with self confidence issues wants to give up and make a detour to DQ.
I knew that I would be struggling without him beside me today. The plan for today was to run for 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, run 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes then run another 5 minutes. On our last run, we ran 5, ran 3, ran 5 then ran 3 and we kicked ass.
So, today should be no problem, right?
Not so much though.
You see, without MB to be my motivator, I had to rely on my inner self to motivate me. Not my inner fat girl, because obviously her interest lies with ice cream and that is of no use to me.
Not for this particular event, anyway. Maybe later though.
So, I was trying to conjure up an inner runner girl. Someone who could push me to keep running and not give up. All the things that MB does for me now.
What I ended up with was an evil bitch who is just...mean.
I started off okay. My earphones were in. My hat was down low so no one could see my Breathe Right strip. I was ready to run.
The 5 minute warm up walk went by pretty quickly. Then it was time to run.
Me: Hey! Check me out! It's two minutes in and I'm feeling pretty damn good.
Evil Bitch: (yawning with disinterest) Awesome. Are your ears always this sweaty?
Evil Bitch: Your freakin earphones are slipping out. That is the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen.
Me: Oh. Whatever. I've got 1 minute left! Woohoo! I am kicking ass!
Evil Bitch: (filing her nails) Yeah. You're a rock star. Well, maybe a rock star from the eighties. Or maybe one of those drummers who is now touring solo because his band broke up but no one knows who he is without the band so they have to put 'drummer from...' on the billboard just so people might show up.
Me: (frowning) Well, who the hell cares. That one drummer from the eighties played with only one leg...or something. I bet he still kicks ass (teeheehee). Besides, I just did 5 minutes and I'm not dying! So, screw you!
Evil Bitch: Uh huh.
Me: Here we go. The next 5 minutes. I know I can do it. Dammit. My earphones keep slipping out. That's slightly distracting.
Evil Bitch: You mean disgusting. It's slightly disgusting.
Me: Shut the hell up. I'm trying to focus.
Evil Bitch: You better focus on how your shirt is riding up. That guy was just totally pointing at you! He's probably all: 'Dude, check out the beer gut on that chic! It's like watching jello run!'
Me: Eff you! He was giving me the thumbs up and was all: 'Wow, she is super fat but she is out there doing something about it. I praise her and her efforts.'
Evil Bitch: Uh huh. You really are delusional, aren't you?
Me: Dammit! Would you just shut the hell up or start saying something positive! That was only 3 minutes. You effin bitch!
Evil Bitch: HA! Don't blame me. You're the fatty who can't run to save her life. What if a pack of zombies was after you right now, trying to eat what little brains you have in your head?
Me: I'd be fine. Zombies are super slow.
Evil Bitch: You're even slower. You wouldn't stand a chance.
Me: SHUT THE HELL UP! I've got one more 5 minute run left and I'm doing it! GET THE EFF OUT OF MY HEAD AND LET ME DO IT!
Evil Bitch: Sheesh. Go right ahead. I don't see the point though because you'll never be able to run that 5k you're trying to run.
Me: I will so. How many minutes was that? I need to walk for a second. DAMMIT! These stupid earphones!
Evil Bitch: It was 2 minutes. You might as well give up and just go home and clean your ears out. God, you are disgusting.
Me: (picking up the pace) I will finish this. EFF YOU! Lots of people sweat into their ears. It's perfectly normal.
Evil Bitch: Uh huh. Just give up. You know you want to.
Me: (after another 2 minutes) Dammit! I can't do anymore. (ripping the earphones out) You stupid bitch! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOOD FOR?!!
Evil Bitch: I'm just you honey. You want to keep my quiet? You are going to have to put up one hell of a fight. You think you got what it takes?
Me: (crashing onto the living room floor) It's on bitch! Next run? I'm kicking your ass once and for all. Suck on that!