Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Evil alfredo and the flavor of cheap shampoo.

So, I was making pasta the other night and I became a zombie.

You see, it all started innocently enough.
I decided to make a delicious pasta alfredo, complete with sauteed asparagus.

I had the pasta boiling on one burner. I had the sauce heating up on another burner. I had the asparagus sauteing on the other burner.

My culinary skills are amazing, I know.
It's like Iron Chef, but way less cool.

AnyIheartAltonBrown, things were going pretty well.

Until...I decided to check the sauce.

Now, I've cooked before. Hell, I've even made sauce before. I understand what happens when heat is applied to liquids.

They get hot. And they bubble.

I know this.

Yet, I decided to lift the lid off the sauce anyway.

Yep. I got splattered.


After a few choice expletives, I grabbed the ice and applied all of those fancy first aid skills I once learned about.

It didn't help. My arm was now bubbling.

Ewww. Blisteriffic.

MB (who is a paramedic) laughed at me and said there was really nothing he could do because he doesn't know first aid. He said he could only help me if I was having chest pains or needed to be intubated.


I may or may not have added a little something extra to his pasta.

Any5secondrulewonthelpyoubaby, I was on my own.

I've had some experience with burns and cuts and scrapes and whatnot. I've been a klutz for some time now.
I passed amateur status several injuries ago.

So, I clean and cover the burn and do all that proper first aid stuff you are supposed to do.

Four days later, it's not getting any better. In fact, it's doubling in size and it looks like the burn is eating my arm.


Having had several flesh eating infections in the past, I know to cart myself to the doctor. And quick.

She actually tells me to wear a protective suit from now on when I'm cooking. That's her advice.


Then she gives me an antibiotic and sends me on my way.

I'm now posting this with my right arm wrapped in gauze because it's the only way to keep the bandage on without using tape. The tape was leaving red marks on my skin. That'll happen after extended medical tape use.

I'm mummified.

It's awesome.

My arm is swollen, red, oozy and just generally gross. I'm pretty sure it means I'm turning into some kind of a monster.

I'm really starting to wonder what I'm turning into.

I'm not howling at the werewolf.

I can't fly on my witch. (Yeah, I tried.)

I still really freak out about vampire.

I haven't had the desire to swim in the pond swamp thing.

No one has put bolts in my head and hooked me up to a Frankenstein.

That leaves zombies.

MB's head has been smelling delicious for the past few days. It's like bacon, but way more enticing.

He swears he woke up to me drooling over his face the other night. I don't believe him.
Although, I did have a strange Prellish taste in my mouth.


I need to go rest my arm now. It's getting stiff and greenish.

I'm also getting pretty hungry.
I wonder where MB is...

1 comment:

  1. This post made my day. Actually it made my week. But then again, it's only Tuesday night. However, with the amount of drivel I have read recently it's possible this might make my whole month.

    Which is not to say that I take pleasure in your pain. I am not that sadistic. Well, perhaps I am, but that is neither here nor there. What I mean to say is that this post was FANFREAKINGTASTIC.

    However, of MB decides to blow your freaking head off, you know, to make you actually dead instead of animated flesh eating dead, I will miss post such as this one.

    Also, this comment was better the first time I typed it out. Then those little Google Blogger Gnome effers ate it and I had to retype it from memory and it wasn't as good the second time.

    Hope the flesh eating whatever you are petri dishing over there on your arm is better soon!


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