Monday, September 27, 2010

That wasn't thunder. That was just my fat ass getting in shape.

So, I ran today.

It has absolutely nothing to do with bad hairdos and really big sunglasses.

*Sidebar - when you google A Flock of Seagulls, you get an equal amount of band pictures and pictures like this:
(That's for you, ampbsl!)

Are you singing the song now?
If not, click here.

Moving on...
MB and I are doing the Couch to 5K plan. We have been talking about getting in shape and running and whatnot and we decided to take the plunge today.

Our first running adventure started out a little something like this:
MB: Are you ready?

Me: Ready for what?

MB: (rolling his eyes) Ready to run? Remember? Couch to 5K?

Me: (lounging on the couch, ironically) Yeah. I'm not ready.

MB: We said today was the day. No more excuses.

Me: Well, I'm doing it. I'm on Step One (pointing to the couch).

MB: (rolling his eyes again) Just get up.

So, I go brush my teeth and try to figure out what to wear. Once I decide on a shirt that maybe doesn't accentuate my fat rolls too much, I grab my sneakers.

Just as I'm reaching for the sneaks, here comes the jingle jingle jingle that I was trying to hide from.
She has this weird way of knowing when I am putting my sneaks on and she appears out of nowhere. She has associated my sneaks with her going to the park and she goes CRAZY when she sees me putting them on.
So, of course, it starts.
She nuzzles me, play bows and runs for the door. Runs back, nuzzles me, play bows and runs for the door. Repeat approximately 714 times.
Then, she just runs right for the door and plants herself there.

It just about broke my heart to leave her behind. She is just not a good dog to run with unless you like being jerked back by her leash every 4 seconds when she decides to stop and sniff a patch of grass.


She stayed behind.

Anyway, we started out on our path around the neighborhood.
Walked 5 minutes. Ran 1 minute.

MB: Wow. You are really not breathing the right way.

Me: What do you mean? I'm breathing. How can I screw that up?

MB: Nothing. Nevermind.

We continued on.
Walked 1 minute. Ran 1 minute.

MB: You breathe completely different when you run.

Me: (befuddled) Yeah, jackass. I'm out of shape.

MB: No, it's not that. You need to get your breathing under control.

Me: (getting angry) Uh huh.

We continued on.
Walked 1 minute. Ran 1 minute.

Me: (panting heavily) Why the hell aren't you having trouble breathing?

MB: Because, I know how to do it.

Me: (preparing my fist) What? I know how to breathe.

MB: Well. Not really. You should not be breathing that heavily.

Me: Awesome. I don't know how to breathe.

We continued on.
Walked 1 minute. Ran 1 minute.

Me: Omg. I'm going to die.

MB: You're doing great.

Me: No. I can't breathe.

MB: I know. I just told you that. Why don't you ever listen to me?

Me: Yeah. Yeah. So, what are you doing that I'm not doing, Mr. Runner Man?

MB: I don't know. You're just not doing it right.

Me: (eyes rolling)

MB: Don't get upset. Just try to control your breath.

Me: I'm not getting upset. I just have no idea what to do differently. I'm trying to even it out, but then I feel like I can't catch my breath and I pant. Sexy, huh?

MB: Uh huh. You are hot stuff.

We continued on.
Walked 1 minute. Ran 1 minute.
You get the idea.
We ran the required time for Day One. I don't know what the required time was for Day One because MB was in charge of all that. I'm totally looking it up though so MB doesn't try to make me run more than I'm supposed to.

We walked the rest of the way home and it was a nice outing. I would like to say that I felt better after having done it, but that wouldn't be entirely truthful.

I did feel good that I accomplished it. I did feel good that the only sore spots were my right inner thigh (wtf?) and my boobs.

I think I did some things right.
I was very aware of my posture. I was aware of my movements. I was very (probably too much) aware of my shirt and it's accentutation of my fat rolls. I was also very aware of my sweatpants riding up between my fat thighs.

I really need to find my little spandex shorts to wear under them.

I tried to be aware of my breathing. I was trying to take deep, even breaths but once I started running, it all fell apart. My breath became labored and I started hyperventilating. No matter how hard I tried to control it, I just couldn't.

When we got home, I was dizzy, hot and my legs felt like rubber. I also felt the twinges of The Beast because of the humidity in the air. It wasn't pretty, people.

I know it's my first day and all. I didn't expect it to be easy. It sure as hell wasn't. I'm sure it isn't going to be.

Don't worry. I'm not giving up. I'll be right back out there on Wednesday. Tomorrow, I plan on doing Slim in 6 and some yoga just to loosen things up a bit.

So, peeps. I need your advice.
For those runners out there...please send me some tips. Do you have any suggestions for how I can control my breathing a little better?
Any other helpful advice would be greatly appreciated too. :)


  1. Oh, fer cryin' out loud! Between "ready to run" and "step one," I have Dixie Chicks AND New Kids On The Block stuck in my head, woman! LOL

    I'm proud of you, dude! :)

  2. Hmm my best advice is to coordinate your breathing with your footsteps. Two footsteps to inhale, two footsteps to exhale. Other than that... I don't know if I have any advice! But how exciting that you are doing C25K!!! Have you picked a 5K to do at the end of it? Because that will make the program (and sticking to it!) a lot more fun and rewarding. =) Can't wait to hear about future outings!

  3. running advice? HAAHAAHAAH!!!

    anyway, here's my deal: I never comment to say how funny you are because: really. I'm the queen of goes without saying, but even I am not going to say the sky's blue.

  4. thanks for the AFOS reference... GREAT JOB! Sweatpants.... i'm getting hot just reading that (i mean that both ways) giggity


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...