Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I kinda need my feet.

So, it's 6:02am and I'm awake.
It's not because I'm a morning person who likes to get up early and take advantage of the day and all that sunshine up your skirt crap.


I'm awake because I'm on high alert.
I'm convinced there is a very serious threat in my home at the moment and I have not been able to sleep as a result.

Here's what happened...
I was watching Cabin Fever 2 (which I do not suggest watching unless you enjoy complete crap) and then I starting watching Family Guy while lounging on the couch. I think around midnight, I dozed off for a bit.
Of course, the tv was still on, so I kept waking up to the Snuggi song or some other lame commercial.

*Sidebar - Have you noticed that the newest Snuggi commercial is set to the tune of the Macarena? Thank God that blanket has sleeves. Otherwise how could you do the macarena the way it was intended?*

*Sidebar again - While getting that link for you, I saw a blurb that Steve Martin is now on Twitter. Woohoo!*

Moving on...
Wait, what was I talking about?
Oh yeah. The terror threat in my home.

So, I am snoozing on the couch while watching late night tv. I have the windows open, enjoying the fresh night air.

Every once in awhile, I catch a whiff of something odd coming through the window. It's a cigar scent.
That means the hooligans are in the park behind my house getting high.
Don't they know I am trying to enjoy the fresh air?

So, that's distracting me, but I continue to snooze.
Around 3:30am, I wake to realize that I'm now watching Two and a Half Men. Time to go to bed.
There's a certain level of crap that I just won't subject myself to, half asleep or not.

I take myself to bed and snuggle in.

Then it begins.

I hear creaking.
I grab my cell and get up to investigate.

In my head, I'm already planning to lock myself in the bedroom and call 911 before the intruder gets me.
I already have a tentative plan to shove the dresser in front of the door and scale the window using an elaborate comforter/belt ladder. I haven't figured out how the pup is going to scale said ladder yet.

Note to self: We seriously need to do some escape drills.

Of course, the noise turns out to be nothing.

I snuggle in again.

More creaking.
I get up again to face the rapist but find nothing.

I snuggle in again.

Rattle, rattle, creak.

Wtf?! Did the hooligans break in to get some munchies? They are going to be very disappointed to find Fiber One bars and rice cakes.

There it is again!
Rattle, rattle, creak.
Was that a footstep on the stairs?!
Holy cow!

I'm seriously going to be stabbed any minute and then the police will find my unshowered fat body in ratty pajamas.

*Sidebar - you can't shower while painting your bathroom.*

Anyfunkyarmpits, I am now too paralyzed by fear to get up and investigate.
The cell phone is next to my head and I am wide eyed, under the covers, waiting for the maniacal serial killer to come and cut off my feet.

Yeah, I'm convinced that most maniacal serial killers have foot fetishes.

So, I try thinking rationally.

I mean, I've been in the house all day painting. You would think if there was an intruder, I would've noticed.

Unless...he snuck in while I took the pup to the park at 7pm and has been hiding in the spider cubby under the stairs the whole time, waiting to attack me at my most vulnerable.

It could happen.

I'm too afraid to go downstairs and look and I'm sure as hell not going in the spider cubby to investigate.

The only thing I can do is stay awake until MB gets home from his 24 hour shift at 10am. I can't take the chance of falling asleep and allowing this spider loving psycho to mutilate me.

I just got a pedicure, for crying out loud.
Maybe that's why he wants my feet. Omg, I'm never painting my toes again.

But, seriously...I'm wide awake and it's MB's fault. If he wasn't gone for 24 hours at a time, I wouldn't be so scared.

*Sidebar again - I love this commercial! Check it out here. HA!*

Sorry if I'm all over the place. That's what lack of sleep due to potential foot amputation will do to you.

*Last sidebar, I swear - Law & Order SVU is on and it's about a guy with a foot fetish! He cut off the girl's foot! O.M.G. I can forget sleeping now. I'm up.*

Oh. In case you are wondering where my 'guard dog' was during this little adventure...

I'm pretty much at the mercy of any foot loving maniac who can scale a 4 foot fence and push open a screen.
Awesome.'s now light outside and I just heard a bang in the bathroom.

It's been nice knowing you, peeps.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my gosh. Its like you are inside my head!! I have those kinds of conversations with myself all the time. My husband works the night shift a lot. Ive given up sleeping in my bed. Now I sleep on the couch. I have no clue why I feel safer on the couch... But I do.


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