So, I've been spending a lot of time thinking about my life.
Deep stuff, I know.
Turns out, I am a giant ball of stress. Who knew?
Well, I knew. But I didn't really know. You know?
I mean I knew that I had been stressed about some things in my life. But, I didn't realize how bad the stress was affecting me.
It was only when I was having a mini-meltdown the other day that it hit me. And by 'it hit me', I mean MB told me.
I was annoyed by something at work, then had to deal with traffic, then came home and tried to open the door with my hands full, then told MB I didn't feel like doing game night, then MB told me game night was at our house, then I told him he never told me that, then he said he had, then he said everyone was coming over in an hour, then I blew up.
But not in the normal way. I held it in and planned on just sucking it up and hosting game night even though I didn't really want to play. I was going to have fun, dammit.
Then I started doing the dishes that were in the sink and thinking about what else had to be cleaned to make the house look presentable in the next hour and how the heck I could throw together dinner in the next hour along with making the house look presentable and how the heck could I do all this and still shower and find something to wear that didn't make me look too fat and why the heck wasn't MB helping me since this was his idea anyway...
Then, I started slamming things and cursing and effing this and effing that and totally letting my stress turn into anger.
Before I even realize what I'm doing, MB is upstairs wanting to know what the hell was going on.
I honestly didn't have an answer for him. I don't know why I got so angry so quickly. I don't know why I let myself get to the point that I got to.
I just don't know.
MB points out that this happens pretty often and it needs to stop. Still, I have no answer for him.
I didn't even realize what I was doing, let alone that I had been doing it on a regular basis.
What the heck was wrong with me?
After crying in my office and really thinking about what had just happened, I realized that I needed to make some serious changes in my life.
That's what I'm doing.
I can't keep letting things fester up inside until they explode. It just isn't healthy. I've got to get a handle on my stress.
MB's solution is just to not let things bother me. That sounds easy enough.
However, I don't really work that way. He knows this.
But, I'm going to try. It works for him. Maybe it will work for me.
The first step is to figure out what the heck is stressing me out so badly. So, I made a list:
-money and the lack of it
-huge tax bill looming over me
-job with no chance of advancement and very little encouragement
-job where you see people at their worst and have to get them through it
-money and the lack of it
-a house that needs a lot of very expensive repairs
-a lot of skinny clothes that are getting no use
-money and the lack of it
-potential rommates who will put an end to my naked alone time
-naked alone time that mainly consists of tv (not very exciting at all)
-did I mention money and the lack of it?
Then I got a little perspective.
I'm not starving (HA, that's for sure). I'm not homeless. I am in fairly good health (when not in the clutches of The Beast). I have good friends. I have wonderful family. I have MB, who is amazing. I don't wear pajamas to the grocery store. I can tie my own shoes.
That is alot to be thankful for.
All of my stressors are minor compared to what some people have to be stressed about.
I need to learn to focus on all the positive things in my life instead of putting all my energy on the negative things. I need to make time to enjoy all those positive things more often so I don't have time to let the negative things fester.
I need to think about the stressors I can actually control or change and take the necessary steps to change them.
I need to stop letting life pass me by while I sit and stew.
So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to refocus my thinking and start making some of the changes I want to make.
-going back to school
-finally getting hitched
-fixing up what we can as we can (like all the painting I've been doing)
-spending time with friends who make me happy
-cutting out negative people who contribute nothing to my life
-doing the things I love (hiking, blogging, yoga, reading...)
-getting my fat ass into those skinny clothes once and for all
This might sound easy to some of you. If you are one of those people, I praise you. You are my hero.
For the rest of the stressballs like me, I hope you can see why I'm struggling.
Now that I've spilled my guts (and probably lost a few followers...again), I feel much better. My stress has been keeping me from coming here and posting and that isn't going to happen anymore.
This was such an outlet for me when I first started and I have gotten away from that. Prepare to see me around the blogosphere a lot more often.
So, what do you have to say? Any suggestions for me? I'd love to hear how you cope with stress in your life.