Sunday, August 15, 2010

So, my life has been pretty uneventful for the past few weeks.

I've had mega stress over my lack of money and the resulting inability to buy name brand shampoo or build up any kind of savings to use in the event of an emergency like car repairs or roof leaks or accidental toe amputation that I am now convinced will occur just because we don't have the means to pay for it.

But, I don't really feel like talking about that right now because it makes me want to put on my snuggi, climb into bed with a case of beer and shovel a dozen cupcakes into my tear stained face.

So, because avoidance is clearly the most healthy way to address this stress, let's talk about something completely different...

Here are some things overheard and/or said in the crisis unit over the past month of extreme insanity. Enjoy!

Staff: If he was invisible, how did you even know he was there?
Client: I couldn't see him but I could see the mail he was holding up above my head. It was just floating there.

It's not a matter of if we are getting cake. It's a matter of what kind of cake we're getting.

Ooh. My powerball tickets. I better check these because if I won, I'm not responding to this call with you guys.

I won't be available today. I'm grocery shopping with God.

I'm a bum. But I'm pretty happy being a bum. I'm not really interested in getting a job right now.

Staff: What have you had to drink today, sir?
Client: Half a bottle of Mountain Dew.
Staff: I meant alcohol, sir. Any alchohol.

Staff: Sir, what brings you in today?
Client: I have a pain in my pecker.
Staff: ?
Client: I've been doing a lot know, what a man does (uses the universal masturbation hand gesturing to clarify) and I'm rubbing it raw.
Staff: Okay. Penile Over Exertion it is. The doctor will see you shortly.

Staff: Crisis line, can I help you?
Client: Yeah. My husband just locked himself in the bathroom with a butcher knife and he's been really depressed lately. What should I do?
Staff: Maam, you need to call 911.
Client: But someone told my you guys would come out and talk to him.
Staff: Maam, you need to call 911. NOW.

And, my all time favorite, which needs no further explanation because it is exactly what it sounds like it is...

Police officer: Maam. Am I really going to have to drag you out of this playhouse?

It's things like this that make my definition of 'weird' way different from others.

I'm just wondering...would this be something you would like to see as a regular posting. Crisis Unit Crack Ups, say. Please let me know.


  1. "It's not a matter of if we are getting cake. It's a matter of what kind of cake we're getting."

    Well, now, that's just an overall excellent motto for life in general - words to live by, dude. ;)

    (Sorry things are sucktacular lately. xoxo)

  2. The Penile Over Exertion had me cringing. These are great and I'd be interested in reading these regularly.

  3. I don't know how you get through a night's sleep without having some horrible nightmare, involving suicide and playing with peckers... Well it definetly keeps things interesting, I guess it's rare thatyou ahve a 'boring day at work' :D

  4. Thanks for the comments guys!

    I just may make this a regular thing. I've been thinking about it for awhile.

    Surprisingly I don't get too many nightmares. I always make it a point to vent in some form or another after a shift, especially for the really disturbing cases. It helps.

    It is never a boring job, that's for sure!


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