Tuesday, July 6, 2010

I might be slightly out of my mind.

So, I'm sitting in MB's recliner one night relaxing, as is my want. Well, not according to MB because he says it's his recliner and I shouldn't be putting my girly bitz all over it.
RHONJ is much better on the big screen that is his tv. The best seat in the house to enjoy the big tv? That's right...MB's recliner.

Anywaybiggerthanmytv, I'm enjoying all the drama of Danielle and her insanity (she is completely nuts and that's real), when something catches my eye.

It appears to be something on the carpet. Something moving.
It looks pretty big from way over here in MB's awesome recliner.
It can't be. No way.
There is absolutely no way in hell that is what I think it is. . .
OMFG! It is!

Another freakin spider!!!
Holy crap! That thing is huge!!

Let's back up for just a sec, shall we?
My loyal readers will know that I suffer from one of the most severe cases of arachnophobia ever. What you may not know is that this phobia causes me to engage in some seriously insane behaviors.
I know that they are not normal behaviors in any sense of the term. I know that if I were to witness someone doing the same things, I'd find it hilarious. I'd also be filming the event for future ridicule and possible youtube fame.
Of course, when it's happening to me, it isn't funny.
At all.
It's terrifying.
You be the judge though. Hilariously insane or a perfectly rational response to a super scary event?
Read on so you can make an informed decision.

So, after seeing the evil, big and scary spider, I place myself out of harm's way. This means jumping on top of the recliner. This also involves screaming like a little bitch every time the spider even threatens to make a move.
Then, I scan the room for weapons I may be able to use in defense of the evil monster.
Any rational person who doesn't suffer from arachnophobia would be able to smash the spider or (shudder) pick it up and take it outside.
I'm sweaty just thinking about that.

So, the only viable alternative is the bathroom plunger.
My plan is to trap the evil monster under the plunger until it dies and I can then safely remove it from the house or MB comes home and can dispose of it for me.
Of course, he would need to do this while I hid in a locked room.
MB has a tendency to chase after me with spiders in his hand when he captures them because he thinks my fear is funny. If seeing the love of your life crying and screaming hysterically while seeking cover in the nearest closet is funny, then you may have more problems than me, buddy.
Just saying.

I grab the plunger and make my move. I'm positioned on the stairs above where the evil monster is. This is so that if things go wrong, I can make my escape out the front door.
Smart, right?
I thought so.
My plan backfired, however, when I discovered that the evil monster was too big to fit under the plunger.
Now it was crisis mode. The evil monster was agitated and ready to strike. I had to contain it.
I grab the next best thing and slam it on top of the evil monster, securing it until other options can be explored.
What was the next best thing?
That's bathroom trash can.

I'm a genius, right?
The flag book is just to make sure the trash can is secure and the evil monster doesn't topple it over and attack me in my sleep.
It could happen.
In fact, I was convinced it would happen and had a very fretful night of sleep as a result.

So, the next morning, I am hoping that MB will come down and take the evil monster outside for me. He has other plans after working a 24 hour shift with no sleep. He crashes into bed and is useless to me and my spider situation.
I am forced to tackle the situation myself.
I lift the can, hoping to find a dead spider that I will have to sweep up and throw away.
I find a very alive and very angry spider instead. Thank goodness I am already armed with a can of bug spray for just such an event.
I proceed to spray the hell out of the evil monster as she runs over the carpet and tries to go under the couch. Thank goodness I am already also armed with a mop which I use to wrangle her out from under the sofa.
I continue to spray her as she crawls up on the sofa (washing my slip cover was not in my plans, but it's all part of warfare), back onto the carpet and around my feet. Once she is dazed enough to no longer present an immediate threat, I whack her with the mop and the dustpan (which I am also armed with) and the battle is won.
By me.
She has lost.

How do I know it's a 'she'?
That's the best and most disgusting part of this little adventure. As I'm spraying the hell out of her, her babies are jumping off of her abdomen!
Tiny little evil monsters spawned from the devil herself.
I think I got them all after using an entire can of bug spray. I hope, anyway.
This is the evil baby spewing monster post battle.
You can still see the evil glowing in her devil eyes.

So, that's how I kill a spider.
Now that you have all the information, what's your vote.
Hilariously insane or perfectly rational?
Do you have any phobias that cause you to do crazy things? Do tell.


  1. WTF!?!?!?!?!
    Perfectly rational, I'd say. I've been known to empty an entire container of Windex on one just to make sure it was dead. EW HORRIBLE!!!

  2. OMFOMFOMF. Where do you live? I need to know because I am NEVAH, EVAH, EVAH visiting.

    *cries in the corner*

  3. Holy crap. Can I just say how in awe of you I am right now, and how brave you are? I am so bad that if I so much as see a spider I have to leave the room. Like I can't even look at them, even your pictures terrify me. Good job defeating that ugly thing!


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