Friday, June 4, 2010
Friday Flip Offs: Simply Irresistible.
I think Friday is my new favorite day of the week. I just love flipping people off.
Let's get started, shall we?
And the flippees are:
To my coworker who decided to keep the window open all night while we sweated our asses off and bitched about how the air conditioning wasn't working - FLIP OFF!
Seriously? You share this office buddy. If you really need to open the window and feel the nice refreshing 97 degree humid air blowing through your hair, at least close your effing door so we don't all have to suffer. Sheesh.
To my other coworkers who do not understand the concept of teamwork - FLIP OFF!
We are a team dickbags. T-E-A-M. Look it up. That is all I'm going to say about that.
To all the stores in the local mall who are bringing back 80's fashion for all the young girls who don't even know who Robert Palmer is - FLIP OFF!
Most of the people who lived through the 80's and can truly appreciate the beauty of a hot pink spandex dress with a zip front are now too fat and too old to wear said dress. Like myself. So, either sell something over a size 10 or stop mocking my past.
To the sales people in the above mentioned stores who gave me the judgey eye while I was lingering by the $5.99 sequined bustiers waiting for my friend to exit the dressing room and end my humiliation - FLIP OFF!
I have every right to be in your crappy store and I have every right to try to squeeze my fat ass into your $3.99 tube top with chains if I want to. I just choose not to. That's how I roll bitches.
Plus I'm pretty sure I'm old enough to be your mother (or older, hotter sister) and I will smack that sass right out of you.
To the Land's End section of Sears - NO FLIP OFF!
Instead - I HEART YOU!
After trolling the mall with my 20 something skinny friend who can fit into little spandex dresses even though she doesn't get the Robert Palmer reference to said dresses, I found your section of the world to be very comforting. I sighed with relief upon sight of the racks and racks of non bedazzled cotton.
Oh my - a size 14. If you had only served cold beer and BJ's (Ben and Jerry's, sickos), it would truly have been heaven.
To my right boob who seems to be growing just for spite so as not to comform to the DD cup I feel should be sufficient - FLIP OFF!
I mean, come on, Righty. I know you have always been bigger than Lefteye and I'm okay with that. But, I absolutely refuse to go above a DD. I'm only just coming to terms with that cup size, for crying out loud. I absolutely refuse to go to an E or F or whatever size comes next. You are just going to have to find a way to squeeze yourself into that DD cup and like it.
I feel so much better. I heart Flip Off Fridays. Thanks for letting me vent, peeps. Can't wait to check in and see all of your rants.