Monday, March 15, 2010

That is one ginormous wedgie!

Memoir Monday: The day I tried rock climbing.

So, I went to the rock gym once. Just once.

I had all kinds of preconceived notions about this adventure. I was picturing various harnesses and helmets and other such contraptions which required grace to operate. Grace is just something I don't have.

I had this image of myself hanging precariously from the ceiling with my helmet slightly askew, my ass protruding from the back of the harness, prominently showcasing my ginormous wedgie to the entire gym. The bright side to this horrific scenario was that my boobs were also protruding from said harness but were doing so in a very flattering manner.

So, I chose my underwear very carefully in preparation for the wedgie showcasing which I knew was imminent. Then we were off to the rock gym.

When I say we, I am referring to MB and I. He had been frequenting the rock gym and seemed to love it. I had not had any particular interest in it aside from the fact that the rock gym is located conveniently close to my favorite burger joint.

So, when he said he was going to the rock gym, I suggested he call me before going to the burger joint so I could meet him there. His counter offer was for me to come to the rock gym with him and then we could go eat burgers together.

This was during a time that I was actually exercising and willing to embarrass myself for the sake of getting fit. And getting a juicy bacon cheeseburger.
So, in an effort to obtain the juicy bacon cheeseburger which I had been craving, I went to the rock gym.

It's amazing the things you will do for a really good burger.

I predicted that I was going to fall. Hell, I fall just walking around the house. Why wouldn't I fall while rock climbing?
I also predicted that I would injure myself in some manner since I often injure myself in various ways.
Dammit, I just dropped the remote on my toe.

Self injury was inevitable. I just figured that it would be an injury worthy of rock gym gossip for weeks to come.
"Hey, did you hear about the new girl? She tripped over someone's socks on the mat and then tangled herself in their belee rope and got so tangled up she ripped off her shirt along with a huge chunk of her hair, which I heard was pretty gray. Then she went head first into one of the rock walls, knocking it down in the process along with five others in a kind of domino effect. And, man you should have seen the wedgie she had! I didn't know an ass that big could get a wedgie like that! At least her boobs looked super hot."

Anyway, I was prepared for all that nonsense because I am a clutz and that is my life. I have become accustomed to it.
What I was not prepared for was the apparent discovery of a new phobia. In addition to spiders, crickets, veins, poverty and insanity, apparently I am also afraid of heights. Not really compatible with rock climbing.

I discovered this new fear as I was attempting the level 0 walls.
Let's discuss that for a second. Level 0. Who the hell starts at 0? I only discovered it was a 0 when I proclaimed to MB that at least I wasn't on the kiddy wall. He said there were no kiddy walls. Just level 0 walls. Which is what I was on.

Anyphobia, I made it about halfway up on the first try. Then maybe three quarters of the way up on the next try. Then, the panic set in and I couldn't go on. I had to jump down.
I was too panic ridden to even let myself fall down. Even though there were giant mats underneath me, waiting to cushion my humiliation and defeat. I just couldn't let go of the fear and fall.

You would think I was being asked to climb up into a pit of spiders, naked, with the expectation of making a public speech in front of the cool kids with a booger hanging out of my nose and a huge zit right between my eyes before I had to give blood. Holy shit, I was terrified!

I gave myself credit for trying, though. And I gave myself credit for recognizing that I needed to stop. I have been known to let my stubborness get the best of me and I did not let that happen. At no point during this adventure was I red faced with anger, cursing at the rock wall and all of it's stupid jerky evil for making me fail.
That's a good thing.

I gave it an honest effort, and I failed. My anxiety got the best of me.
Rock climbing is just not for everyone.

I still got a juicy bacon cheeseburger out of the whole thing.

Who knows, maybe I'll try it again someday...


  1. "...I red faced with anger, cursing at the rock wall and all of it's stupid jerky evil for making me fail."

    O hai, me! ;) When I try something and it doesn't pan out, IT is stupid, not me. However, "stupid" generally involves red faced cursing.

    Good for you for trying!

  2. Glad I'm not the only one who reacts that way. :)


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