So, I saw the worst movie ever the other day. It's so bad, of course I had to share it with all of you. That's what I do for you. You're welcome.
For those of you who know me, you know that I love horror movies. The crappier, the better. I will watch just about any horror flick. Boy Eats Girl. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (classic). You get the point.
So, when a friend suggested Thankskilling, I was intrigued.
It's a wonderful little film about an evil turkey who goes on a killing spree. An actual turkey. An axe wielding turkey. Get the mental image in your head so you can get the full effect of the snippets I am about to share with you.
Should we get to the most inappropriate part of the film right away?
No, let's wait. First, let me share some of my favorite moments from this movie. Then we'll get to the really bad stuff.
Opening scene: A close up shot of pilgrim boob running through the woods. When I say pilgrim boob, I mean just that. Not cleavage. Full on exposed pilgrim boob. Apparently when pilgrims were forced to leave the table abruptly to run from an evil axe wielding turkey, their garments were unable to withstand the terror and gave out. Either that or the axe wielding turkey interrupted some sort of pilgrim orgy. Either way, close up pilgrim boob is what greets you at the start of this film.
Cut to the present and you find that the film will be following a group of mismatched college students going home for Thanksgiving break. They have no idea they will become victims of the Evil Turkey who gets resurrected when a dog pees on his burial site. Then hides out in a teepee by the side of the road and says he is killing in order to defend the rights of Native Americans. He also drives.
This film has a rock solid story line, btw.
As the group is getting ready to leave, the girl who will become known as the whore of the group lifts her shirt and flashes the guys of the group. This is after the guy who will become the comedian of the group lifts his shirt as a means to encourage the girls to do the same (clever, clever boy). The girl who will become the good girl of the group responds to her whore friend by saying: "Put your shirt down. It's Thanksgiving, not Titsgiving."
And so it begins.
Evil turkey kills the parents of the guy who becomes known as the jock of the group. Jock boy responds to this tragedy by saying: "No more pumpkin pie. No more cranberry sauce. Turkey. Fucking Turkey."
Oh the grief.
Evil turkey kills the boy who is banging Whore Girl and then assumes his position unbeknownst to Whore Girl (because who would notice such a thing). Evil Turkey says to Whore Girl after finishing: "You just got stuffed."
Then...the group finds Whore Girl's body along with evidence of the Evil Turkey violation that just took place. What evidence, you ask? You are going to love this - a tiny gravy flavored condom wrapper.
Good Girl and Jock Boy are preparing to burn Evil Turkey because that is the only way he can be killed. This was discovered after reading a book (Killing Evil Turkeys for Dummies) that Good Girl's Dad just happened to have. Also after Geek Boy deciphered the code. If you were to find such a book, wouldn't you expect it to be in code?
Anyway, back to the Evil Turkey burning...
Good Girl: "I'm ready to see this cock burn."
Jock Boy: "You mean turkey, right?"
Good Girl: "No. I mean like a dick. Not like the animal."
This stuff is bad enough, but I'm about to get to the worst part of the movie. It is perhaps the most inappropriate thing for any character in any movie to say. I'm convinced it is the sole reason this movie didn't make it big. Otherwise, it is clearly a stellar film.
So, here we go with the bad stuff. Remember that I am merely the messenger. I didn't write this stuff people.
The group is in Jock Boy's jeep headed home for the holiday. Whore Girl is being teased about her whorish ways by the others. Good Girl chimes in with this line: "Your legs are harder to close than the Jon Benet Ramsey case."
I know. Wtf?!
Oddly, no one in the jeep reacts to this comment. Silence. The movie continues on.
The group is once again in the jeep later in the film and Whore Girl is once again being teased.
Once again Good Girl chimes in with: "Your legs are harder to close than the Jon Benet Ramsey case." (ick) This time, the rest of the group cracks up. They are laughing, high-fiving and congratulating Good Girl on her awesome comeback.
I'm not sure if the writers simply forgot that they had already written this line into the movie or if they just thought it was such a poignant remark, it needed repeating.
Whatever the case, there it was. Again.
But that wasn't the end of it.
Later, Geek Boy decides to try and use the awesome comeback on someone else but effs it all up.
He ends up saying: "Your legs are harder to close than Jon Benet Ramsey's legs."
There's not much more to say about that. It speaks for itself.
Just to get that little ick out of your head, here is perhaps my favorite part of the movie. It has very little to do with Evil Turkeys or inappropriate references to child murders, which is probably a good thing.
Good Girl's parents are at the breakfast table and Dad has just been poured a cup of coffee by Mom.
Dad: "This coffee tastes like shit. What'd you do, take a dump in it?"
Mom: "That's exactly what I did (showing him the poo filled pot). I want a fucking divorce."
Like I said, worst movie ever.