Sunday, February 21, 2010

And the gold goes to...

I decided to check out Girl Talk Thursday because it looks like fun. I know it's not Thursday, but get off my back. I'm a little late. I'm sure it'll be okay.
The topic is this: If you were to win a gold medal in the Olympics, what would it be in?
It certainly wouldn't be in any type of sport. My hand eye coordination is pretty much non existent. My balance is not the best. My reflexes are a little off.
Overall, I am just lucky to have survived this long without serious injury. I have the ability to hurt myself (and sometimes others) in weird and wonderful ways. I should probably be living in a plastic bubble but even that has the potential for serious self harm. Given my history, I'd probably catch my bubble on fire in some sort of catastrophic friction related incident as I was rolling around the house looking for something to snack on.
Anyway, I don't want the lack of basic motor skills to be my gold medal achievement.
So, let's think of some other stuff, shall we?
I spent 13 years of my life as an ice cream girl. I can make you a perfect milkshake in no time flat. I can also hold 7 ice cream cones in one hand and fill them all with delicious ice cream without messing any of them up. For those of you with no ice cream scooping experience - that's impressive. Trust me.
I can also eat ice cream like a champ. MB once challenged/insulted me by saying I couldn't eat the giant super 13 scoop sundae meant for 4 at the local diner. Seriously? Who does he think he's marrying? That would be nothing for a sweet toothed fattie like myself.
Of course, I told him I would only accept the challenge if I could eat it in the privacy of my own home. I may be a giant sundae eating fattie, but I have some self respect. The only way I would eat that thing in public is if I was a size 0. That way no one would think I was a fattie with no self control. They would just think I was a hottie with a promising future in competitive eating.
On a completely unrelated topic, I have an amazing ability to rationalize any situation to meet my own needs.
What else do I do really well?
Ooh. I know. I am full of useless information. It is usually related to 80's pop culture but could really be about anything. You know that crappy one hit wonder band who made a guest appearance on Mr. Belvedere during the Thanksgiving episode? Well, I probably would.
I don't even know how I know some things. They just stay in my brain. It's like I am a sponge for all the stuff you never wanted to know and don't need to know until you one day enter a radio trivia contest and they ask you some obscure question that no one knows because they aren't just going to give away tickets to Jaws: The Musical.
I'm really not impressing myself with any of these 'talents'.
Maybe I should get serious about this.
I'm honest to a fault (lying makes me giggle uncontrollably).
I can spoil any well trained dog in seconds flat.
I can bake a mean chocolate chip cookie.
I can type really fast (even while wearing a snuggie).
I can usually tell when addicts are lying to me.
I am able to manage the lives of others way better than my own.
I keep my head in a crisis (unless there's blood, then I faint).
I can spot 'crazy' a mile away.
All of these things come in handy but they don't seem quite Olympic worthy. Maybe I should get in the spirit a little more and come back to this. I'm going to go find a really sparkly leotard and do some curling in my kitchen. That should motivate me.
In the meantime, what would you win gold for?


  1. Swearing....I would sooooo beat the competition in swearing.

    Hey, it can be a good talent to have.

  2. Swearing is an art! You should be proud.

  3. hmm, well maybe they could have a "baking-chocolate-chip-cookies-while-untraining-a-dog-and-typing-fast" event? You know, like that bi-athalon crap that they invented and made an Olympic sport out of (really, who cross country ski's and shoots things?!).

    hmm, if it was me to win the gold.... IT would probably have to be.... um..... the "chubby-butt-6-mile-run-becasue-they're-too-chubby-to-do-a-marathon"..... I can do a 6 mile run (barely). But maybe out of all the chubby girls I could be the best...? Or I would win gold for "screaming-at-the-beast-while-working-my-ass-off" (ha ha ha)

  4. Who does cross country ski and shoot things? That seems like a really stupid thing to do. Unless you have a rifle that is also a ski pole.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...