Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sexy is fat.

So, the other day, our cable starts acting funny. There was some sort of pixelation on the tv screen which was interfering with the picture. Basically, this meant that I could not watch Jersey Shore as I had planned. Huge problem.
So, MB starts to brag about how he dealt with the whole tv problem. I had to remind him that it was actually me who dealt with the whole tv problem. If he was going to thank anyone for the return of the tv, it was me.
I was the one who spent 30 minutes on the phone with some automated hoebag following her little step by step instructions. I tried to explain to her that I didn't need to do this because MB had already done it. I tried to explain that there was already an open service ticket for this problem and that I just needed to speak to an actual live hoebag. She just wasn't listening.
So, I yelled. "I HAVE AN OPEN SERVICE TICKET." A few times. Along with some choice expletives.
Still no response from the hoebag. Dammit.
MB thought this was hilarious.
Then, we started imagining what the people on the other end of the phone must have thought. I thought they had to be yucking it up at my expense and enjoying my increasing anger. I know if I had the opportunity, I would totally torment someone in this manner.
MB agreed that they were probably laughing their asses off and saying "Hey, come listen to this fat chick. Ha. Ha."
Fat chick? I was thinking 'dumbass' or 'idiot' or something along those lines. I mean, how the hell would they know I was fat?
MB cleared that up for me. "You have a fat voice."
A fat voice? Seriously?
MB clarified further by saying that I do in fact have a fat voice. Just in case I hadn't heard him the first time and had just punched him in error.
Of course, I had to know exactly what a fat voice sounds like. MB clarified that you can totally tell because it sounds nasally and like you've been eating twinkies.
I guess by this point, he picked up on my anger and decided to try and smooth things over.
"You know how some girls just sound sexy on the phone?"
"Well, usually when a girl sounds that sexy on the phone she turns out to be a heffer."
So, because I sound sexy on the phone, I have to be a heffer?
And that's why I will now have to learn to disguise my voice. Does anyone know how to make yourself sound thin?


  1. WHAT???? Holy crap, now I must know if I have a fat chick voice. Who will tell me? Is there a support line I can call?

  2. Take Mucinex? If it's soundy deep and throaty (heh), then maybe having less snot will help?

  3. You make me laugh. Reminds me of myself on the phone to the cable chick when they cut off half of my channels. I missed X-weighted and I was NOT impressed (so now, not only did she know I was fat because I was cranky that I missed a show about weight loss, but I guess she could just 'hear it in my voice')

    I'm keepin' my eye on you - stop by here when I need a pick me up.

  4. Thanks for the comments guys! Very funny!
    And please, stop by anytime.
    I've been trying not to obsess about my fat voice as I currently work for a crisis hotline. Avoiding the phone is not an option. Of course, now I'm worried that the 'sexy' part of my fat voice, per MB, will attract more naked callers. Ewww.

  5. *whispers* Um, I can't tell if you're joking, or if *I* have to travel there to punch MB in the neck... O_O LOL

  6. It's all real! MB is not a jerk though. He just says really funny (although sometimes insensitive) things. He often comments that the blog is making him out to be a bad guy. I told him I'd let him take over Girly Bitz for a day so he could have free reign to redeem himself. So far, he isn't going for it. Probably a good thing!

  7. Ha! Too funny! I am following from SITS. Visit/Follow me if you'd like at


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