So, the other day, our cable starts acting funny. There was some sort of pixelation on the tv screen which was interfering with the picture. Basically, this meant that I could not watch Jersey Shore as I had planned. Huge problem.
So, MB starts to brag about how he dealt with the whole tv problem. I had to remind him that it was actually me who dealt with the whole tv problem. If he was going to thank anyone for the return of the tv, it was me.
I was the one who spent 30 minutes on the phone with some automated hoebag following her little step by step instructions. I tried to explain to her that I didn't need to do this because MB had already done it. I tried to explain that there was already an open service ticket for this problem and that I just needed to speak to an actual live hoebag. She just wasn't listening.
So, I yelled. "I HAVE AN OPEN SERVICE TICKET." A few times. Along with some choice expletives.
Still no response from the hoebag. Dammit.
MB thought this was hilarious.
Then, we started imagining what the people on the other end of the phone must have thought. I thought they had to be yucking it up at my expense and enjoying my increasing anger. I know if I had the opportunity, I would totally torment someone in this manner.
MB agreed that they were probably laughing their asses off and saying "Hey, come listen to this fat chick. Ha. Ha."
Fat chick? I was thinking 'dumbass' or 'idiot' or something along those lines. I mean, how the hell would they know I was fat?
MB cleared that up for me. "You have a fat voice."
A fat voice? Seriously?
MB clarified further by saying that I do in fact have a fat voice. Just in case I hadn't heard him the first time and had just punched him in error.
Of course, I had to know exactly what a fat voice sounds like. MB clarified that you can totally tell because it sounds nasally and like you've been eating twinkies.
I guess by this point, he picked up on my anger and decided to try and smooth things over.
"You know how some girls just sound sexy on the phone?"
"Well, usually when a girl sounds that sexy on the phone she turns out to be a heffer."
So, because I sound sexy on the phone, I have to be a heffer?
And that's why I will now have to learn to disguise my voice. Does anyone know how to make yourself sound thin?