Pepper spray, breast tenderness and oreos...yummmm, oreos.

So, TOM has stopped by for a visit.  That's always fun. 

In an effort to be better prepared for his visit and to avoid any potential hormonal homicidal rage, I went to the drug store to get TOM supplies. 

Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.  Midol. 

It's a freakin lifesaver.  For me, anyway. 

Of course, I am a total cheapskate so I end up getting the generic brand.  It's always in a neon pink package with the words 'pms' or 'menstrual' in giant letters for all to see.  Whenever I try to discreetly carry it to the counter, I end up under the watchful eye of store security. 

I'm not trying to steal the economy size bottle of MENSTRUAL LADY PILLS.  I just don't really want the hot guy buying dental floss to know that I'm MENSTRUATING. 

Sometimes, I like to keep the business of my lady bits to myself.  Thank you very much.

So, for this particular TOM supply run, I was too lazy to go to the drug store.  I had already dragged myself out of bed to shuffle into the grocery store.  I'm sure they have some sort of lady pills.  Plus, maybe I can hide the package under my box of oreos...I mean, rice cakes. 

Turns out, the grocery store is not really practiced in the art of discretion.  The lady bits aisle is dangerously close to the butcher's counter.  If any man were to enter the grocery store of his own free will (or otherwise) he'd be hanging out at the butcher's counter. 

Also, I have some concerns about how the butcher is eyeing me.  It's how I imagine a bear or a shark would be ogling me if I were in the wild, MENSTRUATING.  They can sense blood, is what I mean. 

After grabbing a can of pepper spray and aiming the nozzle in the butcher's general direction, I continue to peruse the MENSTRUAL LADY PILLS.  I am pleasantly surprised to find a box of 48 pills for $1.99! 

Woohoo! 

Word to the wise: be careful 'woohooing' and flailing about in a state of bargain-induced excitement while strategically holding a can of pepper spray.  Trust me. 

I grab up two boxes of the pills which have the letters 'PMS' covering the top half of the box.  The lower half has 'maximum strength' in equally giant letters.  Slightly smaller letters indicate that the product is for cramps, bloating and breast tenderness.  They are slightly smaller, but still visible to anyone in a 50 foot radius. 

Fantastic.

After covertly stuffing my PMS pills under some sausages, I manage to pay for my items and exit the store without incident.  When I get home, I rip open the package only to discover that I've gotten my money's worth.

Apparently, the bargain PMS pills lack that one, vital quality that the other pills possess:  easy open packaging.  These god damn PMS pills have been packaged in the most secure bubble packs I've ever seen!  After attacking the package with scissors, my teeth and a steak knife, I'm still lucky if I get one pill intact. 

Seriously?

This is going to be a long TOM visit.