All of my efforts to be glamorous yesterday were in vain.
First of all, I didn't shower or put actual clothing on until 2:30pm. I'm pretty sure glamorous people wake up at the crack of dawn and apply outfits and make up and whatnot. They most likely don't spend their days in ratty pajamas watching Nightmare on Elm Street, the 2010 version, feeling sad because Freddy just isn't Freddy.
Anywhymesswithagoodthing, when I finally showered, it took me approximately 27 minutes to find an outfit that didn't make me feel like a fatso. Thank you, Thttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifOM.
Given that my body was disgusting me in every way imaginable, I decided to glam up my face a little. My hair was a lost cause already because it was too hot to blow dry it and the mousse was failing because of the humidity. Frizz fest!
So, I put a little make up on and decided to try out my Infallible lipstick. I bought it awhile ago while delusional enough to think that I could do my own wedding makeup. HA!
Anywho, I figured I'd give it a whirl. Let me tell you, it remained infallible after several kisses lavished on both Ron and the pup, a few unkind comments from Ron (why are you wearing lipstick, it makes you look tired, it looks weird) and several attempts by me to scour it off of my lips after said unkind comments. It truly lives up to it's name.
*ahem* If anyone from Loreal happens to be slumming it over here at the Bitz and wants to offer me a free wedding makeover, I'm totally in. You do hair, right?
So, off to the mall I went. I needed to take my fancy lips somewhere. I also needed to buy spanx. Not long ago, I purchased a bustier and some legging style spanx for under my wedding dress. After several neurotic trial runs in the privacy of my guest room, while MB is at work, I decided they may not be the best under things for my dress.
Don't get me wrong. I love them. Also, I suffered massive amounts of humiliation to get them. However, I started the question the suckage capabilities of the bustier. I have grown very accustomed to my bodysuit/slip spanx. They suck in everything and I feel sufficiently contained.
Plus, they have easy access in comparison to the legging style spanx. This is going to be important should I have to pee while wearing my dress. I'm pretty sure this is going to come up because it's an open bar. There's no way I can truly get my money's worth of booze and hold it. I'm not a superhero.
So, easy access spanx seemed like the way to go. Now, I own a strapless bra with the full bodysuit/slip spanx as option 1 and the bustier with legging style spanx as option 2. I am truly prepared for all possible fat containment scenarios. Maybe I am a superhero. Or just a girl scout who ate way too many of her cookies and now has to use her preparedness to hide the shame.
While spending way too long in the lingerie section, I was reminded of why I hate spending time in the lingerie section. It's fun at first. You see all these pretty bras...ooh pink...ooh lacy...ooh leopard print...ooh flowery. Then, you realize that these cute little numbers don't come in the DD sizes.
You start looking for the DD sizes and realize that you have left all of the prettiness behind. Ooh...beige. Meeeeeow. Yeah. See how that doesn't really work?
I did manage to find one section of fatso bras that were lacy and supportive and also BOGO half off. I grabbed a couple and got the heck out of there before I made a scene about the discrimination against big boobs and the decline of society. Thank you, TOM.
My day of glamour was not so glamorous after all. Also, blogger is telling me that it's 'glamor' instead of 'glamour'. Well, I think you are wrong and dictionary.com can back me up on that. Also, it's my post. So there.
Dictionary.com doesn't tell you how to spell a raspberry correctly. But, I'm totally raspberrying you, blogger editor.