Thursday, March 24, 2011

Do you think anyone would buy my jam?

The universe is just screwing around with me today.

When I went out to warm up my car today, the neighbor kid said hi to me. That's not all that unusual except that he went out of his way to say hi to me. He was running over to the cat hoarder's yard and yelled 'Hi GB Girl!' from across the street.


No, he didn't actually say GB Girl. He used my real name. His family knows nothing of GB Girl, which is a good thing. I'd hate for them to learn of my feelings of ick towards their father in that way.

It would just be awkward. Almost as awkward as having their father tell me all his inner secrets while helping me fix my pipes.

Not a euphemism, by the way. Actual pipes.

So, that threw me off guard a little.

Then, I get in my Jeep, plug my zune in, set it to shuffle on my 'Rock Faves' and head to work.

I am greeted with a Lenny Kravitz song and Animal by Pearl Jam. The exact same combination of songs I have been greeted with for the past two days after setting my zune to shuffle on my 'Rock Faves'.

Some sort of sign? But, what could it mean?

Am I destined to be Always on the Run like some sort of Animal? Am I destined to meet someone named Lenny Pearl who will give me millions and change my life forever? Am I destined to invent some sort of Kravitz Jam that will earn me millions and change my life forever?

Endless possibilities.

What flavor would Kravitz be anyway? I would imagine something sultry and savory. With an edge.

Anyway, as I am driving to work, I experience two near miss accidents involving school buses. One bus cuts me off, forcing me to maneuver into the other lane at lightning speed or face death by yellow metal. The second bus swerves over, mere inches from my bumper as it makes a right hand turn.

Awesome. I'm glad that the children of our nation are in such safe hands.

I survive the commute and get to work, settling myself in at an empty desk. As I'm unpacking my breakfast, I notice an ant on my shirt.

Of course, I begin to feel an ant crawling on my boob, behind by knee, on my earlobe and in my armpit.


Trying to put the thought of ants in very private places out of my head, I check my email.

A friend has sent me an email message telling me to put the name of a fruit in my facebook status to indicate my relationship status and somehow raise money and awareness for cancer research.

I smack myself in the forehead in one of those moments of revelation because it's been plaguing me what the hell it meant when my niece posted 'blueberry' as her status. Now, I know it means 'single'.

For three days, I've been thinking she was pregnant. Other pregnant friends have been posting various fruits to indicate the size of their fetuses. You can see how her 'blueberry' post was concerning.

As I continue on with my emails, I discover a couple daily deals from Groupon and Living Social. One is for pole dancing classes and the other is for spider vein removal.


I'm the chic who just bought the coupon for 1/2 off the Indian buffet and $5 tickets for the local brewery tour. You really think I'm the kind of girl you want to see on the pole?

Especially if I have spider veins intertwined in my cellulite.

Thanks but no thanks.

To top off my morning of weirdness, I lost another follower. What the hell?! I don't even know how to unfollow someone. That's why all the peeps who have unfollowed me are still in my reader. It's like reliving the humiliation and angst all over again every time I open google.


To top it all off, I'm working with a coworker who doesn't eat. At all. She considers a bag of gummy bears to be a meal. So, I feel like a fat pig by eating my salad and orange in her presence.

I'm so done with today.

I don't know what to expect for tomorrow. Can it please involve cupcakes though? Or puppies. That would be nice.

1 comment:

  1. I wouldn't bother making any jam GB, it'll just attract more ant. hehehe
    Great post...
    and I'll never UNfollow you.
    Wishing you a wonderful tomorrow... which is actually today, because I'm always a day late and a dollar short.
    And to hell with the girl who won't eat... savor every bite of your food. In fact, you can make yummy groany noises as you eat, and hopefully annoy the skinny out of her.


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