Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Nail guns, crappy rides and not so subtle hints.

I think my chiropractor is trying to tell me to lay off the cupcakes.

I went in for my check up this week so I could get cracked. She's got me coming in every six months at the moment because I'm doing pretty well.

I'm not walking at a 45 degree angle. That's good.

So, typically what happens is that she brings me in and has me lay down on a table like this one...

I lay flat, face down and with my face pushed into the cushions. She then uses some sort of instrument that sounds like a nail gun and nails my spine back into alignment.

In order to see where she needs to shoot me, she has me lift my right arm over my head, my left arm on my lower back, my right foot in and I shake it all about.

Or something.

The point is, I'm face down and she's nail gunning my spine.

It's medical science people.

Now, every time I have gone to see her in the past 4 years, that table has been stationary on the floor. This means that I climb my fat ass onto it and position myself face down.

Kinda reminds me of this blind date I once had where I did way too many shots and woke up in some sort of downward dog position before I even knew what yoga was and then...

Moving on...

During this most recent visit, things were a little different.

I walk in and prepare for the hauling of my ass onto the table. She stops me and proceeds to use the hydraulic lift button that I've never seen before to lift the table into an upright position.

Like so...

I'm a little confused.

Then, she tells me to 'climb on'.

Uh. Okay.

I lean myself up against the table and she proceeds to us the hydraulic lift to lower my fat ass to the ground.

Uh. Bitch.

I know I've had a few too many cupcakes lately but wtf! This is a bit much, don't you think?!

I go with it though.

It is kinda like a ride. Wheeee! Only much much slower and followed by a nail gun to the spine and the struggle to make small talk while your face is shoved into a mattress.

Meh. It's not the Tilt-a-whirl, but it'll do.

So, after the nail gunning is over, I go to get up from the table.


She hits that freakin hydraulic lift button again and I'm slowly and awkwardly lifted up to a standing position.

I'm pretty sure I heard an announcement over the intercom: "Please do not attempt to stand up while the table is in motion. You are too fat and you will only cause harm to yourself and anyone in the 200 feet surrounding your blubbery mass. Wait until the table comes to a complete stop and for the love of not causing an earthquake, remain still!"


I think it's time to get my fat ass back on track. Or find a new less judgmental chiropractor.

1 comment:

  1. My chiropractor uses one of those. He says it has to do with the way you're aligned while standing versus when you climb onto a surface. But being lowered and raised like that is like the creepiest thing ever...


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