Falling apart.

My mother is back in the hospital.

She has been running a low grade fever and just feeling icky for the past couple months. She had a couple episodes early on where she would just get weak and collapse. She said she just lost all the strength in her legs and just went down.

When it would happen, she would find herself on the floor of the laundry room, bathroom, bedroom or wherever. She would try to get herself up using whatever was around. Sometimes it would work and she could crawl herself to the couch or the bed.

Sometimes it wouldn't work and she would end up on the floor for a few hours until Dad came home to help her up.

The first time she went to the ER, they said she had a urinary tract infection and sent her home with antibiotics. The next day, she collapsed and had been on the floor for 3 hours before my Dad got home. She was admitted that night and got iv fluids and antibiotics for three days.

She came home with all kinds of follow up and oral antibiotics. She followed up with everyone she was supposed to. She took all her meds. She continued to run a low grade fever, feel chilled, feel icky and just not quite be herself.

Friday, her boss told her to go home early because she looked awful. She did. She collapsed in the bathroom floor and on the bedroom floor and had to have my Dad help her up. She refused to go to the er.

Saturday, she was in bed when my brother went over to visit. She was so weak she couldn't stand on her own. He called 911 and she was taken back to the er. She was again admitted. She was so dehydrated, they couldn't get an iv.

She's still in the hospital and they are again telling her she has a urinary tract infection. Even on the iv antibiotics and fluids, she's running a fever and feeling icky.

They basically don't plan on doing much else with her because they think it's a uti. I've tried to advocate for her, but they aren't really listening. They refuse to transfer her to another hospital because they don't see the medical necessity.

She's frustrated. She's depressed. She's afraid to leave her home because she's afraid she'll collapse in public. She's afraid to be diagnosed with yet another potential crippling health condition that will turn her into an old lady.

I'm frustrated. I'm depressed. I'm on the verge of tears whenever I talk or think about it. I don't want to see her like this. I don't want this to be her life. I want someone to take an interest and figure out what's happening to her.

My Mom is 68 years old. She has rheumatoid arthritis which causes her a great deal of pain. She overcomes that pain every day so she can continue to work a full time job, take care of her home and her family and do all the things she enjoys doing. She has fought long and hard since her diagnosis of RA to regain her independence and her mobility.

She has osteoporosis and screws in her hip after her brittle hip bone snapped 5 years ago. She has a fragile body with a strong, stubborn spirit.

It kills me to see her down like this for so long. It breaks my heart. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. I want her to be able to feel good again.

But, I don't know how.

I don't know what to do and it's killing me.

I'm advocating for her. I'm pushing for a second opinion. I'm supporting her. I'm sitting by her side. I'm trying to come up with ways to make this better.

But really? I'm falling apart inside.

That's all I can really say about that right now.