Sunday, December 12, 2010

I suffer so that others may enjoy delicious baked goods. You're welcome.

Reasons that I do not like going to the grocery store:

1) Men with a list and a child and the inability to know what the hell they should be doing with either of them.
Wives - please tell them to move to the right and out of the flow of traffic while they orient themselves.
Thank you.

2) People who use themselves, their husbands and a friend to block the entire baking aisle for 30 minutes, preventing anyone else from getting what they need. Do you really think I won't keep throwing bags of chocolate chips at you until you let me get to the freakin brown sugar?!
I will do it.

3) For the love of delicious s'mores cookies, where is the marshmallow creme?!

4) People who cut their eyes at me when I pull out my cell phone while perusing the ice cream freezer.
Chill, lady (HA! Chill? We're in the ice cream aisle...nevermind)
This is an important call. MB wants a particular flavor and if it isn't there, a call must be made.
He has the right to choose his back up flavor.
Mind your own business or I will make this a very inappropriate and loud social call and I will follow you around while you shop and I chat to MB about his ingrown toenails!
Just try me, lady.

5) No macadamia nuts?! Seriously! Oh wait, someone hid a bag behind all the cashews. Sweet!

6) Seriously, where is the marshmallow creme?!

7) People who suddenly and inexplicably lose their sense of hearing once they enter the grocery store.
Yeah YOU! I said 'excuse me' seven times!
That means: Get the eff out of the way, jackass!

You know what? That one guy may have actually been deaf. He was doing a lot of hand gesturing.

8) Omg! Are you really still hogging the baking aisle?! For the love of projectile chocolate chips, just get your effin ingredients and get the eff out of the way already!!

9) The little pang of guilt that creeps up on me when I take the last box of unsalted butter right out from under the disoriented dad.
Sorry buddy.
It's every shopper to themselves out here. I already had to fight for the last pack of cupcake wrappers. I'm not giving up this butter.
I don't care how much you cry about it.

10) Finally! Marshmallow cre.....dammit! It's marshmallow fluff.
Close enough.

And the icing on the cake of this little shopping adventure?

The doofy cashier guy, who was probably stoned, putting a bag of onions on top of my eggs and pie crust and then saying "That may not have been a good idea".

You think?!!!?!!!

Santa, please bring me a personal shopper.
You will be saving the lives of many.
I promise.


  1. Costco the other day made me almost homicidal! They (the ignorant consumers) are constantly lining up to the "free samples" with their big ass carts, and blocking the aisle from people like me who just want to shop! Really- is it that difficult to park your cart out of the way, and walk up to the free sample person- so others can get through to shop?

  2. I had an "incident" with two women in the grocery store who had their carts parked nose-to-nose so no one could get through. After saying "excuse me" three times - each time getting successively louder AND bitchier - I finally lost it and went "I *SAID* EXCUSE ME!!! *growl*" as I bodily shoved between them. Of course, *I* got called the nasty name because *I* was rude.

    I hate people. (But I'm not feeling *as* cranky today, believe it or not! lol)


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