Friday, December 24, 2010

A day of romance and unsucked chins.

MB and I spent a very romantic day together at the DMV.

Since we share a birthday, we also share an expiration date for our driver's licenses. This means that every 5 years, we get to spend the day together at the DMV.


MB's goal was to get up early, get there when they opened and be done with the DMV by 11 so we could go have lunch.

I had other plans.

I'm on night shift this week so I'm up until 2am or 3am once I get home from work and I'm sleeping in until 10am or so.

While I like the idea of getting to the DMV early and getting it over with, I knew it wasn't going to happen. I set the alarm for 9am, because I am an optimist. However, I snoozed until 9:40am and didn't actually get out of bed until 10am.

That was only because MB was fed up and wanted me to get the hell out of bed already so we could go to the DMV and get this the hell over with.

Now, I'm not vain. I am perfectly content leaving the house with no makeup on and my hair pulled up in a bun because I'm too lazy/carefree to blow dry it.


DMV picture day is different. My face is going to be immortalized on that little plastic card for the next 5 years.

That's huge! I had to get a little dolled up for that.

MB didn't understand.

MB: Are you ready yet? For the love of...

Me: I'm trying to decide if I should wear a turtleneck or not. It kind of accentuates my chin fat and I don't think that's the look I want.

MB: (walking away) I'm done with this conversation.

We arrive at the DMV much later than MB had hoped. Of course, it was packed. Our numbers were A108 and A109. They were on A82.


We sat and waited.

We kept our eyes out for any 'suspicious activity' because that's what the DMV computer told us to do. All a terrorist needs to succeed is 1 chance. Did you know that?

I didn't.

We also practiced our 'neutral expression' for the license picture. The DMV computer told us that was the best thing for our safety and the safety of our nation.

More stuff I didn't know.

Thank you DMV.

MB found a shoe buddy. Apparently that is someone who is wearing the same shoes as you are. I suggested they acknowledge their shoe buddy status with a hug, but MB wasn't going for it.

Seems like a pretty crappy buddy system if you ask me.

Me: Do you remember how exciting this was when you were 16? Don't you wish it could be like that again?

MB: It wasn't exciting then either.

Me: Did you ever have joy in your life?

MB: Nope.

Me: (flashing my sexiest 'but you've got the joy that is me' grin)

MB: Nope. Still waiting for the joy.

Thank God my number got called. Things could've gotten ugly.

I am so excited to be at the desk, I'm almost giddy. The clerk is not interested in small talk, which disappoints me. He is also not ready for the documents I try to shove at him. This also disappoints me.

He tells me to put my face in the eye thingy and read the third line. I put my face in there but I see nothing. Nothing.

I try to squint but still nothing. The clerk then tells me to push against the bar with my forehead and the eye chart magically appears.

I was getting a little worried for a second there.

Then he tells me to stand against the blue wall and stare straight ahead. I do it, but I misjudge the proximity of the wall to my ass and nearly knock over the entire row of cubicles.

Then, he snaps my picture. That bastard! No time to prepare. No time to adjust the turtleneck and try to suck in the chins. No warning whatsoever!

I'm still reeling from this when he asks for my weight. I didn't even get the chance to give him the fake weight that I had planned to give him. I mean, I still lied about my weight, but it wasn't much of a lie. I only knocked 10 pounds off my actual weight.

It was supposed to be 20.

I don't really care for my clerk.

I'm pretty sure I'm faking it when he starts to chat about Christmas shopping.

It all goes pretty quickly. I grab my crappy, fat faced picture and shove it in my purse. MB finishes up just after me and also shoves his picture away in shame.

I told him Glamour shots were the way to go.

He rolled his eyes and took me to lunch.

It's like Valentine's Day every day for us.

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