There aren't enough Squirrel Nut Zippers.

I was speaking of my hatred for all things inflatable yesterday and it got me in the Halloween spirit.

Go figure.

So, I was reminiscing about Halloweens past and some of the oh so lovely costume choices I made throughout the years.

(sidebar: I just looked up reminiscing on my blackberry to find that the last word I looked up was crawdad. Weird.)

Remember those really cheap plastic costumes that were basically trash bags with arm and leg holes and had a picture of what you were supposed to be on the front? Oh, and they came with a mask that attached to your face using the thinnest string of elastic ever which would inevitably snap and sting you right in the eye.

I had quite a few of those over the years.

Good times.

One year, my mother decided to get creative with my costume. I think I was in the third grade, but I'm not sure. All of those years blend together after awhile.

I just remember being in the cafeteria in my little costume and wanting to get the hell out of there and go home where I could stuff my humiliation full of Squirrel Nut Zippers and Mary Janes.

It was the year that E.T. was really popular and I wanted to be E.T.

Original, right? Like I was the only kid who wanted to be E.T. for Halloween that year.

I was a freakin trendsetter.

Anywaycool, my mother had seen the movie and she knew what E.T. looked like. I guess she figured it wouldn't be too hard to make an E.T. costume herself.

After all, he was just one big blob of wrinkly brown alien with a couple feet and some really long arms.

How hard could it be?

Since E.T. was basically all brown, my mother got some really brown fabric. When I say really brown, I basically mean sh*t brown.

I would say dirt brown, but that really doesn't paint the picture of just how this fabric made you feel.

It made you feel like sh*t.

It was polyester. Not a polyester blend. All 100% pure polyester. The extra heavy, extra itchy kind.

My Brownie uniform was made of better fabric than this stuff.


It was like wearing the interior of a 1970 Pinto. Or at least what I imagine the interior to be like if it was turned into a garment.

I remember my mother spending hours sewing this fabric to make my E.T. costume. She would pull out her sewing basket as we watched tv and I would bug her about when I could finally wear it and what it looked like and what shoes I was going to wear and all the other important things.

She may or may not have 'accidentally' stabbed me with a couple pins while she was hemming it.

I didn't complain. I was so excited. My costume was so original and it was going to be the best costume of the whole class.

The big day came and my E.T. costume was finally ready. I had my mask and I had borrowed my Dad's brown work gloves to substitute for alien hands. I was ready.

My mother brings in my finished costume and I put it on.

If anyone was saying 'omg' back then, I would've said O.M.G.

Instead, I just stared at myself in the mirror while my mother beamed in the background. "What do you think?"

'Ummm. Maybe I shouldn't dress up this year. I don't really want to go to the party anyway. Maybe I can go to the library instead.'

"What are you talking about? You're adorable. You look just like E.T.! Get your gloves and your backpack and let's go. You don't want to miss the bus."

So, I was off. I knew right away that I was doomed.

My E.T. costume looked nothing like the lovable little wrinkly alien who stole America's heart.

Instead, I looked like a giant piece of poop.

Not even fun poop or silly poop or scary poop. Just poop. Just a big old lump of brown polyester poop.

Sh*t.

I don't remember much from that day, having repressed it for the purposes of emotional stability and all.

I do vaguely remember every single kid in my class along with every single teacher in the school asking me what I was supposed to be.

When it was party time, I had already ditched the gloves and had my mask hanging around my neck. I was defeated. Just feed me cupcakes and punch and let me stew in the corner with the lunch lady.

Another awesome Halloween for the fat girl who already has enough to worry about besides looking like poop.

Yay!

My mother redeemed herself a couple years later when she made me the coolest Wonder Woman costume ever. It was so awesome. I had the blue underwear, the lasso, the stars. By far, the best costume of my childhood.

So, tell me...what was your worst Halloween costume? Your best?