Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Cheese fries and cupcakes...STAT!

So, most of you know by now that MB and I are doing the Couch to 5K program.

We are currently on week 4. So far, we've been doing okay. There have been good days and bad days. For me, it seems like there are more bad days than good.

When we first started, it was hard as hell. Neither of us were in great shape and we were both struggling. But, we didn't give up.

We got our fat asses out there three times a week and we did it.

We are doing it.

There have been many a run where we have a conversation similar to this one:

Me: I don't know if we can do this baby.

MB: We can do it. Don't give up, like you usually do.

Me: Nice. I'm not giving up jerk. I'm just saying that I have doubts and I kinda want to give up.

MB: See? Typical GB Girl.

Me: (punching MB) I said I'm not giving up jackass. I'm just saying that this isn't fun for me. When is it going to get fun?

MB: I don't think it's ever going to be fun.

Me: Oh. Then why the hell are we doing it?

MB: (rolling his eyes) Haven't you ever done anything just for the accomplishment of doing it? Just to push yourself and do something new?

Me: Does unofficial training for a cupcake eating contest count? Because I didn't think I could eat a dozen cupcakes, but I pushed myself and...

MB: (punching me) You're dumped.

Me: (rolling my eyes) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not giving up baby. I'm just having doubts and I'm trying to share them with you. Thanks for being so understanding you big jerk.

MB: You're welcome baby. Anytime.

So, we are on week four. I'm still struggling but it's mostly mental. I have this huge wall of doubt in the back of my head and I am trying really hard, but it just won't go away.

It's that kind of self doubt that says I'm too fat to be doing this. I'm going to cause an earthquake if I try to run a 5k and why would I want to subject the town such a catastrophe.

The kind of self doubt where I envision pictures of me on some website where they make fun of all the fatties who think they can run, but really can't and just end up looking like assholes when they fall on their fat faces and die.

The kind of self doubt where I picture myself crawling to the finish line of the 5k, sweat pouring off of me, panting and crying like I'm in labor, rolling on the ground begging for beer and cheese fries with a side of cupcakes because for the love of chafing thighs, I am soooo done with those whole running thing.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why can't I envision myself running across the finish line, cheering because I've done something that I never thought I could do?

I don't know how to tackle this mental problem.

I'm trying.

I'm pushing myself. I'm blocking out all the hooligans who may or may not be laughing at the fat girl. I'm focusing on the positives: how good I feel, how much better I'm looking, how much my confidence has improved, how much farther I can run without dying...

I'm working on it.

But, those doubts are still hovering.

So, tell me...have you run a 5k or had any other type of challenge where you've had to fight your inner doubt demons? How did you suppress them and accomplish your goal?


  1. I have no words of wisdom because I'm writhing around on the ground right there beside you. :-s

  2. I've run 2 10k's and a 15 km....

    Now let me preface by saying that I hate running, I hate it - everything about it. What I do like, is being done :)

    But it's the being done and sense of accomplishment that keeps me going - not to mention that when I run and eat well lbs litterally run screaming from my body - it's awesome :)


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