Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday Flip Offs: Mobile Meth Lab Edition
It's my favorite day of the week again!
Gigi over at Kludgymom hosts this little rant every Friday. Go here to check her out and join in.
Sit back and enjoy the rantings of my semi-homicidal rage.
The pup gets to go first this week.
She would like to give a furry flip-off to the young husky pup, Miley, who came over last night and invaded her territory.
Her toys were strewn all over the floor. Her food was nibbled on. Her yard was trespassed. It was chaos.
She had to pee on the floor just to mark her territory. Of course, Miley had to mimic her and pee also. Too funny to be scolded.
So, to Miley, on behalf of my Skye girl - FLIP OFF!
But, also, come back and visit soon because we really did have fun together.
Now it's my turn!
To the young female cashier at the local drug store who had never heard of Midol, FLIP OFF!
I know you are a 'woman' because you decided to tell me all about your period pain as you asked me what the box of Midol that I was purchasing was and whether it worked.
Seriously? Your mother never told you about Midol?
I call bad parenting.
To every single hoebag who decided to pull out in front of me this week, forcing me to slam on the brakes while you chat away on your cell phone oblivious to all the other drivers on the road who have to maneuver out of your effin way - FLIP OFF!
Hang up the phone, bitchypoo.
Next time, I'm gunning it and that pretty little celly will become a permanent part of your pretty little face.
To every single jackass who blatantly ran a red light in my presence this week - FLIP OFF!
Just the fact that there was more than one asshole who was stopped at the light and then just decided to go even though the light was still red is scary.
It's called Driver's Education, people.
Look into it.
To the jerks at the Nissan service center who called me in panic mode because I had a list of problems that had to be taken care of immediately while they were doing my free oil change - FLIP OFF!
I'm not some dumb broad who just fell off the turnip truck.
I'm pretty sure leaves can be cleaned out of my air filter, saving me $24.95 which is what you say a new filter costs.
I'm also pretty sure that my 1 year old battery is not corroded beyond repair.
I'm also pretty sure there isn't a nail in my tire that is so bad it can't be plugged. If it was that bad, why didn't you bother to document which tire it was on the service receipt?
What happened to panic mode, buddy?
'Oh my gosh, I'm so scared by your big intimidating man talk. Of course I'll spend $475.00 without questioning your superiority over me.'
Last but not least, this goes to the family in that rv pictured above who decided to park directly behind my house - FLIP OFF!
When did my backyard become an effin campground?
I'm pretty sure there is only one explanation for deciding to park an rv behind someone's house.
They are clearly serial killers who kidnap unsuspecting fat chicks (like myself) and barbecue them while onlookers inquire about that oh so delicious aroma.
I've seen many movies that support the reality of this scenario. Let me just tell you, they don't have happy endings.
So, in order to avoid becoming the victim of a cannibalistic weirdo, I had to be all spy-like while obtaining evidence of the maniacs who will marinade me.
That's why the picture is kinda fuzzy.
It's hard to get a good picture while pretending to not take any pictures at all.
'Pictures? I'm not taking pictures. I'm just letting the dog out. Why am I holding the phone up to your rv? Oh, that's just for reception. What was that little flash of light? I don't know. Must've been a firefly. Definitely not a camera flash. No way. No photos here. No sir. By the way, would you mind turning a little to the right? Perfect. (snap)'
I'm pretty sure I'm going to be someone's midnight snack.
Stupid camera phone. Could you be any more obvious?
If you don't hear from me for a couple days, assume I've become a kabob.