Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Pea pummeling

So, I went to the grocery store today. I needed to stock up on some fruit and I wanted mini wheat bagels with WW fluffy whipped cream cheese for my breakfasts. Nothing fancy. Just some of the tools I will need for decreasing my fatness.
Usually I don't mind grocery shopping.
It's a nice afternoon when I enter the store. The sun is shining. I get lucky enough to see someone pulling out of a rock star parking spot right next to the handicapped space. I'm patiently waiting for this guy to pull out when it happens. Some jerk behind me starts honking. What? Am I not pulling in fast enough for you? Is my courtesy and safe driving irritating you in some way?
It's okay. I persist. I stroll into the store with my list in hand. It's not even really crowded, which is nice. I like it when I can take my time and not have to fight buttheads the whole way just to get to my items.
So, I'm picking out some apples and a personal watermelon (wtf anyway? do they think one person couldn't put away a regular sized watermelon? Mmmmm, watermelon) when it begins.
I encounter the bitch.
She's rather unassuming at first glance. I think I even smiled at her by the asparagus. That was before her kid almost tripped me by the potatoes. I know kids like to run around and stuff. It's what they do. They are like little animals.
Maybe someone should put them in those little plastic balls. You know, the ones you can put hamsters in so they can run around the house and torment the dog. That's what kids in the grocery store should have. They could also be tethered to the cart with some sort of leash. That would also be acceptable. Can you allow kids to ride on the bottom rack of the cart? No? Okay.
Moving on...
So, the kid almost trips me and what does the bitch do? Nothing. I figured maybe she'd apologize since she was standing right there while he was running around under my feet. But noooo, that would've been the nice thing to do. That would be what 'regular people' who don't poop rose petals and rule the world would do.
Snotty little whore.
Whatever. I move on. I have a coupon for Crystal Light burning a hole in my pocket and I have to head for the beverage aisle. That goes well. I got a box of Crystal Light To Go packets for 99cents. Woohoo!
Anyway, I continue on and manage to make it to the eggs without incident. I'm feeling pretty good when out of nowhere some other kid comes running down the aisle right into my cart. Wham! What does the kid's mom do? Nothing. Of course. No apology. No tether. Nothing.
If it were my kid, I'd be making him balance a gallon of milk on his head as he walked around. Punishment and humiliation. Works every time.
Anyway, I head for the frozen foods because I have a coupon for Skinny Cow that is burning a hole in my pocket. You're seeing a theme here, aren't you? Yes, coupons make me happy. Don't judge me. I saved money.
If I wasn't so glued to this show about child killers, I'd go get the receipt and tell you exactly how much I saved. These kids are hard core. Kids like this totally should've been put in hamster balls. Wait, maybe they were. That could be what pushed them over the edge. Scratch the hamster ball thing. We don't need any more creepy kid serial killers.
Moving on once again...
I head for the cheese when I spot the little bitch and her demon child again. Dammit. I thought I had lost them at the salsa. Sneaky bastards.
I head for the vegetable aisle where another lady who is not bitchy is loading her arms full of frozen peas. They were on sale after all. I can only assume her husband was somewhere with the cart loading up on sardines and sausages. Poor woman. Since I am so nice and I sympathize with her plight, I stand back for a second so she can get her last bag of peas and move on.
As I'm standing there trying to decide if I'm going to get the snap peas or the cauliflower, it happens.
The little bitch and her demon child show up out of nowhere. I groan a little under my breath. She chooses not to acknowledge my social cues which are intended to serve as warning for pending homicidal rage. She should've done the right thing and said 'excuse me' or perhaps moved the eff out of my way because I was there first and was clearly about to open the door and get my veggies. She should've done that. But noooo. She's way too high and mighty for that.
She just puts her little whore cart right between me and my veggies and blocks me. She blocks me! Wtf?! I'm pissed at this point. As she is taking her sweet time picking out her veggies and asking her demon kid what he wants, which is futile because he's all the way over by the burritos, I am not so patiently waiting behind her giving her the stink eye. I am staring her down with my teeth clenched in an almost growl and my pen in perfect stab position. I am trying to decide whether it would hurt more to be pummeled by broccoli or a baby potato blend when she finallly finishes up.
As she's walking away, she makes a huffy comment to her demon kid: 'Come on, demon kid, I guess we should move along'. Bitch! You're damn right you better move along. You are this close to being pummeled by baby potatoes lady! And if your demon kid gets under my feet one more effing time, I swear to all things 3/$5, you will find him crammed in with the Lean Cuisines.
I really need to hire a personal grocery shopper. Someone is going to get hurt.


  1. Few things piss me off more than the grocery store. And I, like you, love the idea of saving money, so I go to this particular grocery store on the first Tuesday of every month because they offer 15% off everything if you spend more than $50. So it's a good deal. But people are so freakin inconsiderate. There was a woman not unlike the one you were talking about the last time I was there and she kept parking her cart in the middle of the produce aisles, when everyone knows that what you do is park it at the end and then go get your stuff. After she did it like four times and hit me with her cart twice without apologizing, I hid her cart while she wasn't looking. And I took her apples. The ones I watched her take five minutes to carefully pick out. That's what she gets. :)

  2. Hey Girlie! LMAO @ the "stink eye". So funny. Sorry I didn't tune in earlier. But I'll catch up. Great job on the page chica. Ur newest fan

  3. Welcome Sheeda! Glad to have you here.

    ifyouhavetoask, you are my new hero. That is awesome! HA!

    You know, I lost a follower after posting this. Maybe it was the hamster ball thing. I really do like kids, people. Hamster balls are just funny...and practical. Just saying.

  4. I swear to all things 3/$5 - favorite line ;)

  5. I'd've kicked my kids' asses if they behaved that way in a store.

    But they were young when you could still give them an "attitude adjustment" in public without going to jail.

  6. Ba ha ha - I asked my mum if I could crate train kids when I have them, she said chances are I would just get them comfortable with it and then someone would find out and report me - all that work for no reward......

    I hope your next shopping experience is better :)

  7. Oooh! *CHIBI SMASH*

    When we encounter the jackholes who leave their buggies all cock-eyed across the aisle so we can't pass, we MOVE them. Loudly. While muttering curses (not so quietly). Passive aggressive? Yup. Satisfying? YOU BETCHA!


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