Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Assault with a deadly/adhesive weapon.

Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like staple gunning people in the face? That's where I am today. There is no particular reason for my homicidal rage, that I can think of. It's just been popping up for the past couple days as annoying things happen.
For example, I am at work tonight and my coworker decides to watch videos on the internet. It's quiet, we each have our own little office with our own little space, doing our own little thing. It's nice. Until the jackass comes into my little space and decides to watch videos. Without headphones. Loudly. Wtf! If I wanted to watch the news, I'd be doing it.
Granted, I am making a small amount of noise with my keyboard at the moment. But, it's for you guys. That's important. Way more important than whatever he's doing. Which is typing, btw. He's typing now. I have no idea what he is typing and I don't care. I actually think he's typing nothing. I think he just heard me typing and wants to annoy me even further by having a little keyboard tap-off. I can win, buddy. I can win. I am just angry enough to carry this little tap-off to the extreme. You think you can compete, but you are wrong. Wrong! I will tap-tap-tap until my bloggy little fingers bleed! That's how much I hate you right now.
You know what, he's making way more mistakes than I am too. So, stamina aside, if we judged this little tap-off on typos, he'd still be a giant loser. Backspace that, buddy. That's right. I know when you are backspacing. I'm that much awesomer than you are (that may not be grammatically correct).
I so want to throw this tape dispenser at him. What do you think would happen if I did it? If I really did it? If I just chucked this tape dispenser across the room and knocked him out. It's not like I could say it was accidental. Those things don't really slip out of your hands and projectile themselves across an entire room.
(I just had to hide my screen a little because I think he may be spying on me. He thinks he's sneaky, but I'm like 10 steps ahead of him.)
I wonder what would slip out of my hands and projectile across the room. Let's see - stapler (too heavy), hole puncher (too valuable to risk destroying), tissue box (oh, come on), scissors (maybe...but that would be more stabby than I'd like). Omg I think I have it. I think I found the perfect weapon. It's so obvious! The phone! Duh!! It's like the most perfect idea ever. Ever.
So, here's the plan - I answer the next crisis call that comes in. As I'm talking, I casually lean back and turn the chair to the left so I'm facing the target (teeheehee he has no idea). When the call is over, I end it just loudly enough so my coworkers know I'm about to hang up the phone (alibis, people - very important). Then, I act like I'm putting the phone down but I really pick it up and throw it at my target. Then comes the most important part. I act all innocent and pretend that it just slipped and 'oh my god, are you all right?, I don't know what happened'. He won't even know what hit him. It's perfect!
Oh wait...
Me: Achoooo!
Jackass: Bless you.
Dammit!! He's ruining everything. He just blessed me. I can't possibly chuck a phone at him now. It wouldn't be a retaliation thing anymore. I'd just be the crazy lady who assaulted someone for no reason.
Why can't things just work out for once, for the love of all things homicidal (and possibly hormonal)? Why?

1 comment:

  1. HA! i just looked at the schedule for last night ;)


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