My inspiration for being less fat?
Not having to add fat related issues into already embarrassing situations such as this one.
This was originally written about a year ago.
So, I took the Jeep to work today and I'm very proud of myself because I'm actually not stalling anymore or peeling out like I was when I was first learning to drive it. I pulled into the hospital parking garage like a pro and proceeded to gather my stuff and start my shift.
I stuffed my keys into my purse and sat it on the passenger seat. Then, I reached over and unlocked the passenger side door so I could walk around and get my stuff out, since I have enough bags for a weekend trip.
Then I locked my door like a responsible person and walked around only to find that I had locked the passenger door instead of unlocking it. Oops.
So, my confidence fading just a little, I try to discreetly unzip the back window so I can unlock the door. Of course, before I did this, I did the obligatory confused look in the window along with the 'dammit' and such so that passersby would realize that I had locked myself out and that was the reason for the antics to follow. Even though no one was around, I was covering all my bases.
So I proceed to unzip the back window, undo the velcro (thank god for the 'rugged' features of the jeep) and flip the window up. Then I make an unsuccessful attempt to reach my arm into the front seat and either unlock the door or get my keys out of the purse.
There are two potential reasons for the failure of this attempt (at least, in my head). First is that my chubby arms are in fact too chubby to be able to reach through between the seat and the door. I don't like this theory and don't believe it to be true. However, my overwhelming fear of ending up trapped with my chubby arm wedged between the seat and the door resulting in the need for outside intervention (jaws of life or the like) prevents me from trying too hard to prove this theory wrong.
The second theory and the one I am going with for the sake of maintaining the illusion that my arms are in fact not jiggling at random and do look good in a sleeveless top, is that some Jeep design flaw prevents me from getting my keys. The 'rugged' design of my pretty yellow jeep does not allow for any arm room. I guess the manufacturers picture you four wheeling with your arms hanging out of the windows yeehawing or high fiving or whatever and not actually resting your arms comfortably on an armrest.
Anyway, so that didn't work. Now, I am left with the less desirable option. I was embarrassed about my chubby arms but now I am forced to think about my fat ass. I realize that I either break a window (an actual window, not the velcro ones) and get my keys or I do the unthinkable.
I don't want to scratch my clogs and I already have one duct taped velcro window that I haven't fixed yet so I don't think breaking the window is a good option.
So, I go for it. I climb up on the tire and manage to wedge myself into the back seat so I can precariously balance myself there long enough to grab my purse from the front seat. For those of you that are having trouble conjuring up this mental image, let me help you out.
Picture a yellow jeep which already stands out like a sore thumb. Add a rather non-petite khaki clad ass sticking out of the back window. Then zoom in to include the very red face of a girl who is praying that: 1. the khakis hold because a ripped khaki clad ass is just unacceptable; 2. the clogs hold because if the feet slip off the tire, there will be broken bones; 3. the contents of the purse do not fall randomly about the jeep resulting in the breakdown of said khaki clad girl; and 4. that the yoga has paid off enough for her to balance herself in this Right Angle Dork Bend pose long enough to accomplish the mission.
Well, thank god it all worked out. Now my only fear is that this is all on camera and any one of the constables that I have angered will be circulating this on the internet. God knows I have enough to worry about.
To my knowledge, this has not been featured on you tube. I have been avoiding a search for it though. Some things are better left unsearched.
Any embarrassing stories you are willing to share? Do tell.