Monday, December 28, 2009

Snuggie high.

I'm pretty sure Snuggies are laced with Ecstasy.
I knew I was getting one. I called it as soon as the commercials began.

Was I right? You betcha.
I even lucked out and got a pink one. Not just any pink. Cotton Candy pink. Well, more like Pepto Bismol really. Cotton Candy just sounds like more fun.

Yay! Cotton Candy Snuggies!
See? More fun.

I figured I would use the Snuggie at least once. Just to see what the fuss was all about.
After all, I really do struggle with a regular blanket. It's so restricting. I can't even do what other people are doing. I just sit there like a jackass, all bound up, wishing I could move about freely.

But, now I have the Snuggie.

The joy began as soon as I took it out of the box.
And by joy, I mean laughter. Hysterical laughter. The kind of hysterical laughter that makes me cry and hyperventilate.

I can't explain it. The Snuggie just produces overwhelming feelings of repulsion, disgust, intrigue, humiliation and curiosity that can only be expressed with hysterical laughter.

Seriously, I could not stop laughing for hours. It was really fun. So much fun that I couldn't even stop laughing to take the thing off. I had to keep wearing it because I was having a blast. I was completely smitten with the Snuggie.
What I now call 'Snuggie drunk'.

I wanted to hate it. Truth be told, I do hate it. I think it's the stupidest thing ever. It actually stinks a little, too. It's an undefinable odor. What I would imagine is the odor of shame.
It's probably just some sort of mind control gas. Why else would one keep putting this contraption on. Again and again.

Seriously, I can't stop wearing it.
I hate it. It stinks. It's way too long and will probably result in my death when I trip over it. I feel like an asshole.
But, I keep putting it on.

Those Snuggie making bastards are geniuses.
Don't be surprised when there is an army of Snuggie wearing pod-people at your door. They will be doing the bidding of their makers. Whatever that could be. I don't want to think about it.
I'll just ready myself for the pods. I'm sewing ammo pockets into my Snuggie.

And snack pockets. That's the one thing I feel the Snuggie is missing. Oh, and dignity. That too.

1 comment:

  1. Chebbar had been threatening to get me a Snuggie for Christmas for MONTHS, mostly to make me shriek in denial.

    After reading your account, I'm kinda sad he didn't follow through... hehe


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