Friday, November 13, 2009

Neighborhood Watchwoman.

I am quickly on the way to becoming shunned in my neighborhood. This was not my intent. Nor what I envisioned when we moved into the neighborhood. It's just that I have certain standards that I feel people should adhere to. When they fail to meet those standards, I take action. I'm like a moral vigilante, if you will. Really a superhero. If they made flattering fat girl leotards, I would totally wear one. And a cape. But with flip flops instead of evil-ass-kickin boots.
Not that I've stood up for anything all that important so far. The only thing I've fought to uphold so far is the privacy of my yard. It may not seem that important to you, but it's my inner sanctum, my fortress. I just want to preserve it as such. When I am rich and famous, I will install a moat, complete with snapping turtles. I don't really like alligators.
I don't think my attempts to maintain my fortress have caused any major problems. No one has come knocking on my door yet anyway. All I did was install a blockade to keep the rotten little kids from running through my yard. I mean, my yelling had no impact (other than to amuse them - ha ha, the fat lady's mad, look at her chin jiggle). Jerks.
I had to step it up by putting in a privacy fence. Of course, the little jerks somehow discovered the gap between the fence and the shed, which I thought was cleverly covered by the giant evergreen tree (I wish I could say what kind of tree, but that would require knowledge that I just don't have). Nooooo. They found the breach. And ran right through it, giving me the finger as I once again yelled to no avail.
That's when I had to really step it up. Since I did not have any barbed wire and am too lazy to go get some, I used what I had. (God bless my Dad and his neverending supply of hardware.) I spent the better part of a day cleverly placing chicken wire between the fence and the mystery evergreen in such a way that it was not visible until you came face first into it. Which is exactly what happened to the little jerk who flipped me off.
I warned him. Unfortunately, I did not get to witness the fruits of my labor. I only had the pleasure of seeing the indentation he made in my cleverly placed chicken wire. (Makes me giggle with glee even now.)
That's really the worst thing I've done to my neighbors. I did have a beef with one guy, but he never really knew of my hatred. Seems he would've picked up on my glaring and seen it for what it was, but apparently he has no people skills.
Anyway, now I think I'm in for it. I have a vendetta against the cat hoarding neighbor (whose kid coincidentally happens to be the chicken wire jerk - go figure) and have taken action.
Being an animal lover, I tried to cut him some slack. I mean, if I didn't have my betrothed to tell me no, I would totally have 14 dogs. So, the fact that this guy has 14 cats is okay with me. Until they start to invade my fortress.
For crying out loud, they are in my yard, my trees (whatever kind they are), my bushes (no clue what they are) and my flowers (which are half dead because if you don't know what they are, you really can't care for them). The little black one is even sticking his paws in my fish pond! They are sleeping on the Jeep, snuggling under the grill, eating out of the trash, killing my birds and hissing at my pup. It's completely out of control. The inner sanctum has lost it's integrity.
I have tried peaceful means. 'Shoo' and 'Get' only make the little furballs want to play. The water I sprayed on them only makes them smell good because it was once a bottle of carpet freshener (I was too lazy to go the dollar store) and may not have been completely rinsed out. My aim is way too bad for me to throw rocks. I'd only end up shattering a window or putting someone's eye out (probably my own).
My only recourse was to seek back up. After multiple emails and nasty phone calls, I got Animal Control to agree to come out. They told me they are going to come out sometime in the next week. It's official now.
I'm torn between wanting to be there to watch the event so I can snicker from afar and wanting to be away so I don't have to face the confrontation. I'm prepared though. I'll just hike up my leotard, adjust my cape and flip flop on over there to stand up for my cause. The fortress must be maintained at all costs. Dignity be damned.

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