Sunday, May 2, 2010

Spider hatchlings and gyrating pepperoni.

I'm bored and there is only crap on tv.

I cleaned out my pond pump today. I could disgust you with the details of green sludgy water running down my driveway into the street where the kids were playing football. I could tell you how MB found me covered in the stench of algae, which is always hot.

But, let's talk about something else. Shall we?

Let's see.
I was watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon earlier. It was the end of season recap, highlighting the dinner party where Danielle puts the book on the table and then things expode. Jersey style. Tables got flipped. Tempers flared.

Oddly there was no fist pumping.
I would think if fist pumping were to be utilized appropriately, it would be in a situation like this.
Maybe I don't really understand fist pumping.

Anybighair, I was watching the blow up about who took some book, which revealed Danielle as a whore apparently, to the salon and told everyone all her dark secrets. I was wondering why the issue was who took the book to the salon rather than why isn't anyone smashing that crazy bitch over the head with her book for ruining dessert.
Who the hell ruins dessert?

If you have never seen the show, you have no idea what I'm talking about. You can go here to get a taste of the Jersey drama. It's dramalicious. And full of wholesome 'family' goodness.

On another topic, I got invited to a sex toy party for a friend who is getting married.
Sounds pretty cool, right?
Umm yeah. Not so much.
These kinds of parties are just so not my thing. I get all red and giggly and stuff and it's just no fun for anyone. Mainly me.
I found myself at a party with a stripper once and it was awful.
Here's this thong wearing, hairy, half naked 'pizza delivery' guy gyrating in my face and I'm panic stricken. I vaguely remember using my teeth to put a dollar bill in his thong. The humiliation black out makes it hard to remember the details.
I'm sure it wasn't pretty.

AnywheredidIjustputmytongue, I think I have cancer eating away at my face.
MB thinks I'm overreacting.
I don't.
I have a mole on my face that I've had forever. It's my beauty mark.
It's the same exact mole my brother has, which is kind of weird but also cool.
There has never been a problem with the mole. Until now.
It's all of a sudden red and swollen and bleeding.
Yep. Cancer.
It's either that or MB really did put spider eggs inside of me as he often threatens to do.
If little baby spiders start spewing from my cheek, I am so going to stab him in the eye.
With rusty scissors.

So, those are my random ramblings for now.
Tune in tomorrow when I share a Memoir Monday story that is bound to lose me some friends.
You don't want to miss that.

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